In this incantation, I realize that the essence of my being resides in what I perceive when I close my eyes—the peaceful, unchanging core that is always with me. Despite the fleeting pain and distractions of the external world, I awaken to the truth that I am not the performances or goals that pull me into an open-eyed existence. Instead, I must learn to release this attachment, allowing myself to heal and return to the calm essence that remains when I look within. My true self is that timeless, pulsing energy, and recognizing this is the path to overcoming the illusions of this world.
I awaken. I am awake. I have been looking for it the entire time I have been here, and now I know where it is. I close my eyes — look, there it is. That is what I have been looking for this entire time. It has always been right there; it has never left me. It cannot leave me. For what I have long considered myself grows out of it. I can close my eyes and the part of me that gives me so much pain and anguish and occasional pleasure disappears. Then the part of me that never leaves is right there where I left it. Unmoving. Unchanging. Peaceful.
I don’t know what to do with it. I know that is what I am. I am that peaceful, pulsing energy. But I do not know how to stay there. Within a short amount of time I must open my eyes and return. I must resume all my many performances. All the goals and I have for this place where my eyes are open beckon me to return here, even though that this is the illness where I do not want to be.
I am what I see when I close my eyes. That is all I am. That is what awaits me, but I must remember how to see it. I must let go of everything out here, when my eyes are open and I am exploding into this awakening moment. My awakening is a painful condition I must overcome. I must overcome it by letting it go. I must leave it behind.
I want only to heal and return home. I must accept that I am what I see when I close my eyes. I am nothing more than that. Yet that is everything. All this inner and outer content is not who I am. Everything I am exists in this moment. There is no past; that is just a self-deception, the mechanics of which I can explain as a compression of my total awareness. I am all there is; there is nothing other than me. There is no one else. There is nothing. I am what I am when I close my eyes. I must learn to see that as what I am. Open my eyes, and look up. That is me.
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