I am conducting two performances in my moment. My lesser performance is that of a person in a world that is larger than me. I perform this role in my secondself and thirdself layers. I am only pretending. I am performing personhood.
My greater and more important performance is that of creator. My godhood. While I am busy playing this pretend role of a person in a world, behind the scenes of this mask I am directly building this entire experience Myself. It is I who wakes up and opens my eyes to a world that I can turn off at will. It is I who must observe and therefore manifest anything into existence. It is I who is always here. It is I who never moves. It is I who performs all knowing. The world cannot turn me off.
My belief that I am a person experiencing the sensations of a world is the source of my pain. The rift between my two identities is what I experience as life, pain, and constant desire. This constant desire is the symptom of my illness. The end of my desire is release from desire itself. It is the return to who I truly am, which is the desire-less being. While indulging my desire only emboldens my illness, feeding and nurturing it.
Yet even while my conviction that I am a person is eroding daily, I still behave as if I am a person. I have forgotten how to perform godhead even while I am simultaneously doing it. I will continue to perform personhood long after I have ceased believing that I am a person because my conviction takes time to harden.
I must look to truth of my being where I can find it. The truth is that which does not change, and I must be able to discern that which does not change around the edges of that which is constantly changing. The constant changing is my illness manifest. My moment is the only static thing. My moment is the outlines of my true self visible around the edges of my performance. It is the penumbra of my being visible around the edges of the pain I am experiencing. My moment never leaves, never changes. I am my moment. But all the pain of desire and the motion I manifest to satisfy that desire is my illness.
I just believe and then behave as I am: the creator. I am the creator. I am always here. I know who I am.
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