The surest way to see and measure the extent of my delusion is to examine the statement, “I am not here now”. When I try to say that with conviction as a mantra, what happens?
I will watch myself define the variables: here, me, and now. “Here” will extend outward in Secondself to include all the different places beyond my own place that I believe exist. And “I” will become one of the many beings other than myself experiencing that total range of places I just imagined. And “now” will be the present moment among an endless linear progression of other such moments. I am but a single, small unit in a massive place that extends endlessly in all directions, spatially and chronologically. I’m nothing. I’m small.
But when I can examine that, and understand why none of that is true, I will have exercised and reinforced the muscle I need to effectively escape this place. I must repeat it, and believe it. Believe it in new ways, and strengthen that muscle. For that muscle I strengthen is the one that I will need to pull myself free of this hole I fall into I call my awakening.
It is a difficult mantra to unwind: I am not here now. Then where am I? And who am I that is there? The answers to these questions must come as readily to mind as the answers I once clung to that belittled and disempowered me. I am here, and here is I. I am all the “here” that can exist. My “now” is the only now that exists. There is not a moment that is not my moment now. And there is not a place that is not my place now. And there are no beings other than me.
I must believe my direct experience is telling me the truth of who I am. My most fundamental experience is very simple, and I only have to look directly at it and explain to myself what I see. It is so clear, uncomplicated, and obviously true. It answers every single question I could have easily and without complexity. I just have to look at it and believe what I am seeing. And then as I am looking at it, and all the delusions start attacking — I must defeat them, one by one. I must put them down because I have the weapons to do so in that moment.
I will have to put them down more than one time. Many times. But the more often I do that, the stronger I will become. I am not here now. I am not a person among people, experiencing a place among places, at a specific time among times. That is not who, what, where, or when I am. “I am” is the most strongest truth I can utter in my awakening. I must repeat these two assertions, and believe them as deeply as I can believe anything, and I will begin to heal from my illness.
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