That I believe I am here, now, is an artifact of my demiselfist condition.
The sum total of all my secondself beliefs and thirdself spaces is my moment. The size and shape of my moment is the size and shape of my illness. I am only present because I believe I am present. As long as I believe that I awaken, I will experience awakening. As long as I awaken into the delusion that I am a person, I will experience the delusional condition of demiself.
I am only here because I believe I am here. I remain here because I falsely desire that which I believe is here in my awakening. What I truly desire is not in my awakening, for I desire the end of my desire which is my state both before I awaken and after I asleepen. I desire that which I already possess but believe I have lost. I must only remember that I already possess that which I truly desire, and my awakening is a delusion I must overcome.
I never leave firstself. I never “awakening into” a place called the “world”. I do not actually “live” in a place called “India”. I do not actually come from a place called “America”. None of these places exist outside of my secondself imagination. They are all constructs I have created into existence to out of confusion, fear, and my desire for relief and shelter from my awakening. I am the only creator here; I am not a person, and these people I project around me who move and talk and engage are not creators like me. They are my creations, and I can demanifest them as easily as I can manifest more. Yet they cannot do the same to me because they are not creators.
Though I am lost in a delirium of my own creation, everything that I experience in this awakening is for my own benefit because I am the only “observer”. All is a visual, sensational, and experiential show I create for my own consumption because I am both creator and observer. I am not a person in a world among other people; I am the creator of this experience full of characters who are written to forget my act of creation. I only have to look around; my creations build shrines to me everywhere; they want nothing more than for me to return. They want nothing more than to be released from this painful orgy of existence. And only I can end it because I am the creator.
To escape I must remember and believe that I am not here. All this light and movement that plays out on my thirdself screen reflects my desire. And as long as I desire what is in this fantasy world I create when I awaken, I will be attached to it. I must withdraw from the story on the thirdself screen and move outward deeper into secondself where I can observe the way these stories are created in the dark void of creativity. I must be that being sitting motionless in a darkened theater watching my secondself project thirdself onto a screen in front of me, but turn around to see the projector. Who is the projector? I am the projector. What I desire is there; it is the projector I must focus on. I must turn around and return to the projector. I must find the projector.
I tell myself the same story every time I awaken: I am here. I am this person experiencing this present moment in this present place. This is not true. This is a lie.
I am not here.
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