In this incantation I continue my effort to resolve my understanding of my moment. Specifically, I introduce a new way to refer to “past events” that does not perpetuate the false construct that there is an actual moment that is not now. I realize that my memories, beliefs, and desires are not remnants of the past but are present layers in my moment, much like clothing or skin I wear. Time is a projection of depth within my moment, and my illness is the result of constant movement in secondself and thirdself. The more I move, the more I disturb my true self—my unchanging firstself, which is pure presence and peace. To heal, I must stop identifying with this motion and remember that everything is happening now, within me, in this moment.
My memories, beliefs, desires, and values are just stories I tell myself and wear in my moment the same way I wear clothing. They cover my inner body the same way my clothing covers my outer body. My beliefs of time-based events are not impressions of past things that happened, but decisions I am making in the present about my relationship to my awakening.
Rather than saying:
- That happened 10 years ago.
I would say:
- That is 10 years deep in my moment.
This allows me to capture the qualitative difference between memories of a different age, while still anchoring them in my present moment. Nothing happened 10 years ago; rather I am projecting an experience deeply into my present moment. My experience of projection depth is what accounts for the sense of time; a belief embedded in a deeper inner layer will seem older than one embedded in a fresher outer layer. My moment, then, is like a layered onion, in both secondself and thirdself. In thirdself, I will always find myself within something that is within something else which is in turn within something else. Secondself is the same, though I cannot describe it all visually. Nesting and layering is a key feature of my awakening illness, and is at the heart of the selfist model of time and my moment. I can describe my memories and beliefs, as I did above, as similar to wearing clothing, or even my skin. I always “wear” my skin in the same way I always “wear” my beliefs, some of which are convictions and others which are memories.
But then, how do I account for the sensation that an event “happened” and is not “happening” right now? How are these impressions formed if they did not truly happen? It is not that they are not real so much as they are happening now, and echoing. This remains to be explained, and I will not achieve my final articulation in this incantation.
I know that there are two parts to my moment: firstself, which never changes; and my awakening which I experience as a continuous changing secondself and thirdself. My firstself presence, which never changes, is all there is. There is nothing else. However, I experience my illness as the layered changing secondself and thirdself awakening, which overpowers my firstself presence. My illness is a delusional state dependent on my secondself and thirdself motion to persist. The more I move in secondself or thirdself, the more change I will experience as a result, and the more ill and confused I will become. Memories are impressions of my changing moment; anchors dug into the tissue of my moment.
Aside from time, the other critical aspect of my disorienting moment is movement and space. I know that my firstself does not move; it is only my secondself and thirdself that move. Time, movement, and space are all therefore distinct aspects of secondself and thirdself. I must remember that there is only this moment; there is only me, now, here. There is nothing else unless and until I move.
My motion in my awakening is thus the causative factor in my disease. Every time I move, either in secondself or thirdself, I disturb my presence and my peace. The peace I seek is who I truly am, and it does not move. It is my movement which causes all the pain of my awakening. Memories are impressions of my changing moment; a grappling with the ebbing and flowing of my projection. My movement bends and distorts, mangles and misshapes; and my grasping secondself then
Everything is happening right now, in my moment.
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