Growing up I nurtured a number of anti-ascentist tendencies and preferences. Though they often confounded my efforts at developing relationships and participating in society, they allowed me to protect a spark that would later blossom into the Descentist Framework.
Purpose. I always wanted to understand the purpose of life, but all the answers I found seemed silly, illogical, or incomplete. The idea of the Christian God who I could not see, but others could explain to me felt like manipulation. The story of a man named Jesus who lived thousands of years ago and somehow died for my sins fell far short of the logic I demanded. I ultimately decided that my purpose was my own greatness, which was correct in intent but practiced in distortion and misunderstanding.
Celebrity. Celebrity is at the center of the American cultural ethos and every social group has its heroes and villains that represent their aspirations and values. My peers cheered and idolized various individuals for their talents, intellects, possessions, and accomplishments, while I always resented this. In celebrating the greatness of others I felt unmistakably diminished. So while those around me would lionize people they never even knew, I would refrain.
Other Peoples’ Ideas. In my early youth, I was a voracious consumer of other peoples’ ideas because I believed they knew something I did not. But in my early teens, I stopped abruptly because I felt manipulated somehow. I started looking inward, eschewing ideas and theories that did not originate with me. By the time I was approaching my 20s I had some idea that, by keeping my mind free of outside influence, I was protecting my own native thinking.
Authority. While I was compliant, well-mannered, and agreeable growing up, I did not defer to any kind of authority figure. I was expected to defer to religious, scientific, and social authorities who somehow knew more and better than me. And even they always admitted to not knowing everything. I quickly decided that acceptance of authority was a matter of submission, deference, and manipulation. It was me giving away my ability to know to someone else.
Socializing. Social groups form around shared interests, social approval, and the need for community. I rejected the the various sports, clubs, and social cliques my peers joined. I tolerated situations in which I was the designated leader, but once I was expected to follow someone else, I always withdrew. If things could not be my way, then I would prefer to be alone.
Ideology. I rejected political and ideological movements built around authority figures. I never voted because I felt it was performative and did not translate into meaningful influence. I felt manipulated and did not have any faith in the institutions.
Relationships. I had important relationships, but I never allowed myself to get swallowed up into them. I experienced what some might call “love”, but I also experienced its transformation into annoyance, frustration, struggle, conflict, contempt, and emotional pain. Every relationship I had with girls and women reached a point where they wanted more than I wanted to give. And the thought of accidental impregnation ended my foray into sexual relationships with women.
Marriage. There was an expectation that I would emulate the relationships of adults around me by dating. I had my first girlfriend at nine years old and continued through my very early 20s. I could see that marriages were prolonged struggles between two people locked in painful conflict. I never understood the allure beyond the pain and inconvenience, so I eventually decided I would not marry.
Procreation. Given that I was dissatisfied with my own sense of purpose and had rejected marriage, there was no foundation for procreation. If I could not make sense of my existence for myself, why would I want to force it on another being? I had no idea where I was and why I was here, so I had no desire to create more lost people.
Aspiration. Aspiration and success were the one drug I fell for. I always knew that I was somehow unique and special; that I had something of value to give to the world. In trying to express this feeling through a conventional perspective, it was twisted into a hunger for achievement and recognition. However, at the core was an authentic self-awareness that would become the Descentist Framework.
While I have lived a life of existential confusion, rocked by chaos, conflict, and change, it was these habits and preferences that empowered me to see through the distortion of my illness to my true desire for peace. Each one represents countless decisions throughout my life which have protected me from actions that would have anchored me deeper into the pain and suffering of my illness.
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