When I can visualize the truth of my being as I experience it, my conviction strengthens. If I imagine scenarios that appear different in my head than my actual experience, the detachment impedes me from truly believing it. My conviction is directly related to my ability to fit my conceptualization to my direct experience.
For example, I once imagined existence as a massive universe full of unvisited galaxies and worlds independent of my experience of them. I imagined that existence was as-of-yet undiscovered formulae and knowledge that would slowly be uncovered over successive generations of humanity, of which I was a small part. Needless to say, this is completely detached from my direct experience and imprisoned me in demiself where I was only a single insignificant observer. This rift between my conceptualization of existence and my experience eroded and diffused my conviction. Everything I believed was open to change because none of it was grounded in experience. When I draw my perspective from my direct experience rather than imaginary constructs, I can strengthen my conviction.
Let’s stop and ground, and experience the anatomy of my existence in full. I sit quietly, calmly, in my dark sanctuary. There is nothing here but me, and my perception is constrained to this small black space and the light of this computer in front of me. I can feel my limbs and body curving around the oval-shaped window through which I see the walls of my sanctuary. My thirdself is the smallest part of my awakening, showing only through the small cracks in my secondself I call my eyes.
My secondself is much larger than my thirdself. I sense my secondself more directly and completely than the shapes and forms of my thirdself. My secondself is like the nerve roots of my thirdself; they both act and move together, but it is my secondself that is most sensitive. While my thirdself has the capacity to move quickly in all directions, it is my secondself that I sense and feel most.
My firstself never goes away. If I close my eyes, I can “see” and “sense” my firstself as an endless expanse. But when I open my eyes again, I project the meaning and structures of my second and thirdself onto the “walls” of my firstself. My second and thirdselves are a projection of meaning and desire into my firstself, mixing together into my experience when I awaken. But they are only projections; I can better experience the true shape of my being by closing my eyes. Though there will be a residual glow of my thirdself, within a short period of time it dissolves and fades away. The glow of my secondself remains much longer and is more difficult to detach from, as it thrives in my awakening.
This is my anatomy. The smallest, and most dynamic part of my existence is the kernel within; the “world”, as I have called it. It is in constant fluctuation, swelling, flowing, and changing. My firstself never moves. And my secondself is the layer in between the two. In demiself, I move, but in omniself, I do not.
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