In this incantation I examine my false belief that I am a person in detail, focusing on the unique qualities I possess that do not exist in the fleshy characters I encounter in my awakening. I do not directly dive into this point, but instead I arrive after first exploring the true nature of my moment divorced from the delusion of time.
I know that there is only this moment, and nothing else. There are no other past or future times or events, just as there are no other places, or other beings or other experiences. My sensation of “otherness” is a disorienting artifact of my illness; a false conviction that thrives in my existential conviction. There is no “other”; there is only me, here, and now. My chronic sense of “otherness” is the heart of the subsurface; an imaginary separate time, separate place, separate being, and separate experience beyond my own. I can never “touch” otherness; I can only ever believe it is there, or manifest it in my moment through the power of transformation.
Given that there is only this moment, I never “decided” in the past that I was a person. When I use past tense, my own language contradicts what I know to be true: that there are no “other times” beyond this moment. The only time is this single, undulating moment. So if I did not decide at some distant moment in my childhood, years ago, that I was a person, how do I describe the entrenched conviction I hold that I am, in fact, a person? How do I distinguish between my firm and immovable self-identity as a person from a belief more easily displaced, that I would normally say I learned only recently? How do I differentiate between an event I would normally describe as happening decades ago versus something that happened only yesterday? If both are actually distortions
Depth. There was never a past time, years ago, when I decided I was a person. There is no past, and there is no future. There is only this moment. However, my conviction that I am a person is very deep within my moment, which I interpret wrongly as happening long ago. I wrongly attribute the great depth of this belief as happening further back in my past. I must reorient my language toward the truth that I am only now; that there is only here; and that there is only Me. Memories that feel “distant” are deep within my present moment, not far into the past. I do not have memories of past events I cannot change; I have rips, tears, and wounds in the flesh of my moment. A memory of having wronged someone is not an event in an untouchable past; it is a self-inflicted wound in my present being. The more “distant” the memory seems, the more deeply embedded it is within my flesh.
I am haloing as I write this. These words are forcefully jamming my false belief that I have a past, creating a sensation of counter-disorientation. It is as if my “normal”, diseased secondself mind was happily spinning in one direction, and this new revelation has jolted that, disrupting the rotation. The result is an altered state where I no longer have the false conviction running in the background of my being that I am embedded in a timeline.
So my acceptance of my personhood is “deep” in my moment, protected by a strong, unquestioning conviction of its truth. Despite all the differences between me and all these characters who pop in and out of my secondself and thirdself, I continue to believe and behave as if we are the same. But we are not the same.
The characters who run around in my thirdself and who I am entangled in secondself have similarities, but dramatically differ in substance. Below are some of the reasons I know that I am not a person:
- I am always here. They are not. There has never been a moment when I am not here. I do not have to imagine it.
- My entire awakening experience projects outward from me. Not from them. Everything in my awakening can be measured relative to me, without any imagination. I am always the center of everything, even when I forget or ignore that condition.
- I can decide everything. Aside from the hard, rigid surface of my thirdself, there is nothing I cannot decide. When I see an object in front of me, I may not be able to change that object’s structure, but I can demanifest it entirely. I can believe anything I want to believe, which reinforces the notion that beliefs are tools and pathways extending outward from me rather than toward something external to me.
- I can make people disappear. They cannot do the same to me. See point 1.
- People only exist on the surface of my secondself and thirdself. This makes them better categorized as part of a projection rather than core to the projector. They are observed rather than observing.
I can also just as easily be the only person and they can be something else. But we are categorically different forms. When I look at the thirdself part of my body extending outward, such as my limbs, then I can see that I have certainly created people in my image. Deep in my awakening I must be giving myself these limbs, and then projecting them onto the characters I call “people”. People are my conjurations. I have created a fantasy world full of them, and I have disguised myself as one of them as a form of play.
What I call “people” are features of the wallpaper of my awakening. They do not have any substance beyond the qualities, features, and aspects I bring to the surface in my projections. Right now, I recall a friend to mind; his entire being is confined to that secondself shape I have given him right now. I have fabricated him entirely, and there is no essence beyond the image I have floating within my secondself right now. Should I choose to exercise my omnificence, I can transform this same person into thirdself without moving. Yes, my secondself and thirdself “bodies” will appear to contort and move as I reshape my awakening into a new place with this character in the middle of it, but my core firstself will never move. I am the center of everything, and I do not move. Instead, I fabricate my secondself and thirdself, which my “inner self” and the “outer world” are a core part of.
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