Desire is the foundational aspect of my existence, and I can demonstrate its nature with the now and back exercise (NBE).
The purpose of the NBE is to intentionally move between my two existential selves while observing and reflecting on the changes that happen. As I become attuned to these changes, I experience the actual nature of my awakenings, see through the distortion, and understand my true state of illness.
The NBE is the exercise of my complete authority over who, what, and where I am. I start the NBE as my second self “Marc”, a man of a certain age who lives in India. Then I descend toward my first self where that identity dissolves. I can conduct the NBE at any time without any special preparation.
I start the NBE as my second self. I imagine am one of countless people alive and temporarily experiencing a massive world. I spend my awakening in pursuit of various forms of relief across all dimensions of my identity. Asked where I am, I would respond that I am in a specific town within larger country. All of this is imagined, but I believe it is the substance of my awakening and behave accordingly.
From my second self, I “come to now”. Now is the point behind my eyes and within my head where I can most readily experience my first self. This is the intersection of my inner conceptual and outer perceptual environments. When I come to now, I experience timelessness, the absence of desire, and a tingling sensation around my crown in varying intensities.
If I close my eyes while I am at this center, I can invert the distortion, and see that my first self, which I imagine as a point within the head of my second self, actually entirely contains my second self. The closer I move toward my first self, the more clear my perspective becomes.
At some point, I return, or “go back” to the typical awakened state of my second self, completing the exercise.
The now and back exercise exposes my nature. It reveals that my second self is entirely within my first self. It reveals that my desire is a function of my illness; my desire seeks its own destruction through the end of my second self and return to my first self.
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