In this incantation, I reflect on how my pursuit of fun has always felt hollow, as if it was a distraction from a deeper, more urgent mission. As a child and into adulthood, I tried to immerse myself in the activities that others found joyful—games, sports, socializing—only to find them ultimately meaningless to my core being. Over time, I’ve realized that these distractions, whether possessions, relationships, or fleeting aspirations, have only served to entangle me further in a maze, delaying my escape to true freedom and Being. Now, I understand that my path forward is to identify and overcome these distractions, remembering that I am the Author of my own journey, seeking liberation above all else.
I remember when I thought video games were fun. When board games were fun. Before these it was baseball cards and cars. And micro-machines. I thought all that was fun. But I outgrew all of it even as the people I played with continued doing them. Collections, hobbies, activities. These things were all fun until they weren’t. I socialized for a short while after becoming an adult, but those things weren’t fun either for very long. The only activity in my awakening that could give me that sense of “fun” was eating sugar.
I have memories of a childhood where I rejected the “fun” activities of my peers. Skateboarding, sports, music, brand aspiring, sex. I did not understand why I should try to have fun. I imitated others having fun, but I was never able to “get it” the way they could. I tried my childhood and into my 20s to try to build a life replicating the lives of the people around me but ultimately decided it was futile and I wanted a different center. I left my homeland and every part of my identity that was loose. Though India was exciting and curious, I can’t say it was ever “fun”. The did not make friends and do “fun” things. I wasn’t here for fun, and I felt no pressure to pretend to do fun things because I was in a completely different environment and there were very few expectations put upon me by the people around me.
Looking deep into my moment I can see that I always knew something was wrong with “having fun”. There was something very urgent and important that had to be done, and having fun seemed to be the same as giving up on this more important thing that had to be discovered. How could I sit around and play games that were absolutely inconsequential to my core being? How could I suspend my quest to find this missing something long enough to care about some made-up storyline in a digital game? Or some collection of little pieces of paper? Or in the lives and ongoings of imaginary people I could not actually touch? I have a mission and that is all that matters, and anything and everything that distracts me from that mission is a deterrent.
I am trapped in a maze and my only goal is to escape, to find my way out to freedom and Being. But as I navigate the twists and turns, little distractions pop up along the way, diverting my attention and slowing my progress. These distractions come in many forms. People I meet, who share stories and become companions, impressing their needs upon me, entangling me in emotional commitments. Possessions I gather, each one seeming precious and irreplaceable, but weighing me down and cluttering my path. Aspirations I chase, which seem vital at the moment but only lead to endless toil. Pets that require care and love, drawing me into their world and making me forget my own journey.
These distractions are like honeypots, calling me to pause, to invest time and energy, to make them a part of my world. And often, I do. I allow them to become precious to me, forming new anchors to my awakening. Each distraction has its own allure, its own way of making me believe that it’s worth the detour, that it adds value to my journey. And maybe, in some ways, they do. But they also keep me here, entangling me in a web of connections and responsibilities.
It’s easy to lose sight of the exit, to forget that my ultimate goal is to escape, to find a way out. These distractions become my reality, my maze within the maze. They are both my companions and my captors, keeping me from the freedom I seek. I need to identify all of these captors and weaken and slay them. There is nothing out here that I truly want other than to escape. To remember that I am the Author of my story.
…