What do I seek? I seek being. What is being? Being is what comes after knowing.
Being is not the question. It is not the answer. Being is the absence of the need to question, for I find the entire answer in being.
In being, I am not lost. I know where I am so I do not have a question remaining in my soul. I measure my knowing with conviction. But being is the point at which conviction ceases to exist because there is nothing to measure.
And best of all, being is right here, right now, in my moment. It is the root of my moment. Follow every person, place, and thing in my thirdself, and thought, idea, and feeling to their root and I will find my being. Everything in my existence, no matter how mundane, emanated inward from my being.
There is knowing and there is being. Knowing only makes sense in its totality when there is unknown remaining. Once I know, there is no unknown. And without the unknown, there can be no known. They become one and disappear separately, uniting into my being.
Where is being? I can see my being by closing my eyes. I close my eyes and let go. Let go of the world I believe is around me. Let go of the person I think I am. Let go, and come home to the center. When I reach, I begin to realize that I want to stay here, and never open my eyes again. But as much as I want to remain in Being, I cannot do that, because I am still knowing, becoming.
That is the primitive.
I have been wanting to close my eyes forever. It started with wanting everything from the world. The money and everything that comes with it. Why? So I could relax. So I wouldn’t have to do anything. That is the motive behind the desire for wealth and success: freedom. But what is freedom?
I misunderstood freedom as the ability to do, buy, and experience the things in the world that I was unable to at the present. Go places. Buy expensive things for myself and others. Eat the best food. Earn the most respect and admiration. Be idle. But those are all the fruits of the plantation of my second and thirdself. And the freedom for which I yearn is not borne of the plantation. The freedom I truly seek in my soul is from the plantation. Freedom from life. Freedom from existence.
The freedom I seek is the freedom that comes from closing my eyes and not being “here” in my second and thirdself. From not being in this world with its attendant responsibilities and demands. Freedom from the smoldering desire within me that drives me like a ragged steam engine. Peace. Freedom is peace, not gifts. Not places. Not a nice house or money to burn. Freedom is just peace and the absence of desire.
I want nothing more than being without desire, without knowing, without questions, without needing anything I do not have. When my eyes are closed, I am all there is. I do not need anything else because I do not desire. I am what I might seek; desire only exists when I am not who I am. Being is what remains after all the knowns and unknowns are gone.
I want to Be. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. My inability to do that is the qualification of the challenge I face. It is the measurement of how far I have fallen. How ill I am. I have fallen for 42 years; I am 42 years deep into this hole, and now I have to climb out. Back to myself. I have forgotten that I am the person up there. It is me. I am the fallen angel. I fall into this place by awakening here every morning. This is the place I need to escape. This is hell.
…