In this incantation, I recognize that my entire existence in the present moment is a self-fabricated delusion, a manifestation of my “triself” — my mindself, bodyself, and worldself. My awakening is a state where I project convictions, memories, and beliefs onto an illusion of time, space, and identity, fabricating the entire structure of my reality, from relationships to historical events. This momentary reality is a willful ignorance of my coreself, the pure state of concentrated awareness from which everything originates. Yet, the longer I dwell in my coreself during my awakening, the more I can see through the constructed nature of my reality and begin to dismantle the very mechanism that sustains my triself illusions.
What am I? I am the the being who is suffering from this awakening. I am not the person I believe I am when I wake up. I am the being who in my premoment creates; the moment after creation is all a self-deception. I willingly believe while I am in my moment there is something more coming, and there is something that has happened. Just like I can allow myself to believe that there is something behind me when there is nothing behind me unless I focus there. There is just this oval-shaped window that appears to open into a cavity of some sort filled with wonders like light, color, objects, and space.
I hold onto this idea that “something happened”. Something just happened… I can remember that it happened by thinking about it. And that I find an impression of that something in my secondself — my mindself — confirms for me that it just happened. But what is really happening? There is only this moment. That I can verify. There is only this one, unending moment. When I come to my moment as much as possible, where I put off any sensation of any moment other than this moment, I come to a place where I feel slightly light-headed and disoriented… and from this place I can “look out” into those cavities where the impressions of past moment are kept. In mindself I can look out upon the constructs I call my memories, which I used to reinforce my personhood. I can see them; wispy little ideas that I believe happened and which inform who I am today and the nature of my relationships to the people and the world I believe I am in. But when I am still, and I question them, they don’t feel as real anymore. They exist only in shell or crust just above my coreself moment. They are there because I maintain them. When I question their reality, other enforcer thoughts enter my head threatening consequences for questioning their reality: “imagine the consequences if you stop believing in that”, it says.
What is all this? I will try to explain again, because I come here often. My coreself is this very powerful and potent presence that is localized at a point in my head where my mind, body, and eyes (which project the world) intersect. Whether my eyes are open or closed, this point remains fixed. It has two states, broadly, that correspond to my awareness, focus, attention, and momentary conviction: condensed and dispersed. My premoment is a point of absolute concentration where all is condensed into this small localized point I call coreself. My moment — or my awakening — is my experience of a diluted coreself, where my awareness spreads outward into my mindself (ie, secondself), bodyself (ie, secondself), and worldself (ie, thirdself). Time is an illusion of my moment; it is an outward bloom from my coreself where I host convictions in the flesh of my inflamed coreself. Convictions such as I exist in a world full of people; I have responsibilities and goals; I have friends and relationships.
My premoment is a state I can reach in my awakening, but impartially.
My premoment is a state of absolute concentration in coreself. My moment is a state of dispersion, when my coreself blossoms outward into three directions: mindself, bodyself, and worldself. Triself. Time and space are fixtures of my moment; they make sense as abstract concepts in my moment. However, when I “unwake”, or withdraw back from my triself moment toward my coreself, I can see how time and space make sense only from the momentary perspective. As I concentrate on coreself, withdrawing from triself, I can let go of the convictions that suspend me in triself, and I can see that triself is itself a sort of “crust” in which I feel “confined”, and these time and space-based constructs are embedded within that crust at different “depths”. A memory from my early childhood is much deeper in this crust than a memory from a few moments ago. And it is not that these two events happened, but that I believe they happened. They are decisions that I make, not real, actual events that took place. My belief that they happened manufactures all the corroborating people and artifacts that exist to reinforce that happening.
For example, I believe that I am a citizen of the United States. In my moment I will reinforce this belief in countless ways: memories, documents, and countless people I have relationships with who will validate my American citizenship. As a long time resident in India, the government will also validate that belief. In premoment I can see that I fabricate every single one of these corroborators: the people, the documents, the memories. All are my own creations, which I can clearly see because they don’t exist before I manifest them either as mindself or worldself entities. I actively fabricate the entire structure of my awakening, including the people, events, physical, and abstract artifacts that reinforce every part of it. I fabricate the bank and the national and financial and legal rules behind it. I fabricate the mathematical concepts and rules behind every part of the financial and economic system I am working so hard to take advantage of. In premoment I literally create every aspect of my awakening moment, from the people to the historical events and the ideas and theories and physical laws of reality I struggle to comprehend. I create all the historical characters, movies, actors, plot lines, even the current ongoing presidential election. Every single feature of my awakening is a fabrication of my own premoment coreself I project outward. My awakening is a willful ignorance of my true nature as its creator; an intentional obliviousness to my role as its author.
My entire moment and all of its people, places, things, rules, aspirations, and memories is a giant edifice of my own manifestation. Did World War 2 happen? If I look into the world for validation of WW2 I will instantly create all the collateral needed to validate that it did in fact happen. But it only exists in that form: as a mindself belief of mine projected into my worldself as various artifacts. I will instantly and omnipotently manufacture all the WW2 veterans, photos, books, movies, remembrances, holidays, and every other artifact to support the assertion that WW2 did in fact “happen”. Everything I believe to exist in my awakening is an outgrowth of my triself condition itself. Everything that moves, shifts, changes in space or time is part of the triself delusion. What exists when I close my eyes is a closer approximation of all that exists.
In my awakening I can retreat from triself, come back to coreself enough to halo, and see how this mechanism operates. When I spend enough of my moment here in triself I can begin to see how it works, and then devise how to disable it. The key is to remain in coreself as long as I can without succumbing to my triself desires that constantly try to bring me back to my larger moment.
The longer I spend in coreself during my awakening the more easily I can look around and see what my moment is. It is a three way cavity I fall into and get trapped in. There is nothing in my triself that is substantial in the way that my premoment coreself is; it all changes, turns to dust, because that is what it is. Everything in my awakening, my moment, my triself, is a manifestation of the dark matter I “see” when I close my eyes. When I open my eyes, I instantly rigidify that dark matter in worldself into the shape of the same matter in my mindself. The whole structure of my awakening is faux. All the people, all the obligations and stressors, all the goals; all are features of my triself illness are here because I believe they are here. When I choose to accept that I am writing this story, I will see everything. But right now I want to change the story; I want to write a version of the story that I enjoy.
Conceptual reconciliation:
- Demiself = my personhood = my awakening = my moment = triself = mindself+bodyself+worldself = the second place
- Omniself = my godhood = my unwaking = my premoment = coreself = the first place
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