One of the primary symptoms of depression according to the medical authorities is the “loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed”. Of course, this line of reasoning is based on the idea that a loss of interest is a medical condition requiring psychiatric and even chemical treatment. But I need not turn to so-called experts to understand depression; I only have to look back at my own lived experience to find a much more reliable characterization.
I remember losing interest in something that had once appealed to me many times. Playing with plastic figurines and building blocks. Playing school with my friend’s sister Saharla in first grade. Playing with and trading micro machines with Jay in second grade. Collecting and playing with dinosaurs and baseball cards with Eric Wallis in third grade. Roller-blading with Skyler in fifth grade. Creating my fantasy world of Maracia in sixth grade. Playing board games with whoever would give me time. Creating bead necklaces and jewelry out of clay. Playing video games and RPGs. Creating my own strategy and board games in high-school. Egging houses and nicker-knocking. Going to rave parties with Jessica after high-school. Getting dressed up and going out with Waseem and friends. Creating and growing an IT company in India.
I really enjoyed all of these activities at one time. My life has been a succession of activities, relationships, and responsibilities that were all, at one time, either necessary or compelling. Then one day they were not, and I filled my time with something new. What would have happened if I was forced to continue these activities long after they ceased to interest me? Clearly, I would grow increasingly dissatisfied, unhappy, and despondent. In other words, I would display all of the symptoms of depression.
Life is like that for me. A distraction that I once found interesting, but that I have outgrown. I watch people engaged in distractions I once enjoyed, and I am looking for the next thing. I have been here before, as a young 22 year old man, when I realized that a relationship with God was “next”, and everything else seemed trivial. It was an awakening to something so much greater than what I had been doing before. I felt alive again, abandoned all my earlier interests, and pursued a relationship with God with everything I had. Everything made sense again.
Then I fell asleep again.
When life itself is the game, what is next? What am I graduating to? Depression can be triggered by many things; loss, tragedy, failure. But for me, depression is continuing to play a game I am no longer interested in. I may pretend to enjoy myself, but I am not. The next level is calling out for me.
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