In this incantation I aim to explore the relationship between my degree of conviction and the concept of the subsurface, which I have recently become very interested in. Are my subsurface and my conviction interchangeable?
As I have presently defined them, the surface comprises everything I am experiencing in my moment. There is a sensation of “speed” and “movement” with everything on the surface, depending on my present activities. If I am walking outside in thirdself, then there is more movement. In thirdself my present moment has felt largely unchanged for the last one hour as I sit here in the same place working on this incantation. This is an example of a still thirdself. The candle slowly burns away, and the thirdself scene changes as I move my eyes around the room. But it is more or less stable.
I cannot take a picture of the surface of my secondself, and it of course is not as still as the surface of my thirdself. My secondself, or mind, is almost always in movement and therefore difficult to pin down. But why does the surface of my awakening change? And what is the subsurface of my awakening?
There is a “distance” between who, what, where, and how I truly am, and who, what, where, and how I believe I am. The gap between these two is my subsurface; a collection of convictions I retain as patterns that repeat in my awakening, like waves on the surface of a body of water. My surface is my present expression of my subsurface. I will continue to experience an awakening surface until the disturbance of my subsurface is reconciled.
“Where” is this subsurface stored? Is there a location for it? Yes, there is a location in the sense that it exists somewhere. But that location is not thirdself geographical. It occurs in the geography of my secondself. I do not “store” my subsurface anymore than I would “store” the disturbance created by a rock thrown into the water. It is a consequence of a disturbance. But I am experiencing the subsurface as a set of hardened secondself structures I could describe as beliefs or convictions, which percolate up to form the texture of my awakening I call my momentary experience. For example, when I see a person, I automatically believe — without giving it any real thought — that I am the same type of being as them. That is a very deep and enduring subsurface construct. Subsurface concepts that are less deep are easier to dislodge and remove. For example, only yesterday I came up with a new way to explain something, but it did not penetrate deep enough into my subsurface to impact my surface experience for very long, and I quickly dismissed and dislodged it.
Below are some relevant terms:
- Awakening – A disturbance in my being that results in my painful experience of a disconnected secondself and thirdself chamber, fueled by the sensation of constant desire.
- Source – The source of my awakening is the gap between my true being, and my believed being.
- Subsurface – The collection of secondself disturbances that, in aggregate, define my awakening experience.
- Surface – The expression of my subsurface disturbances that have percolated into the texture of my present moment.
- Subsurface depth – The degree to which a secondself construct is embedded into the flesh of my being. The deeper a construct is, the more enduring it is, and the more difficult to re-conceptualize and change. The deepest subsurface constructs are my imagined personhood, and the belief in time.
- Reverberation – The degree to which my subsurface imagination of a surface experience reflects and prolongs the disturbance; my withdrawal and detachment calms the underlying subsurface construct.
How does reverberation work? Reverberation is when I look at something in thirdself, on the surface, and then imagine deeper into it. For example, if I am watching a video, the surface is constrained to the information visualized directly in the video. The subsurface would comprise all my imaginary secondself thoughts, ideas, reflections, and visualizations related to that surface. For example, I might consider the life of the person on the video and how he arrived at these conclusions. None of that is on the surface; that is all imaginary. This kind of imaginary supplement to my thirdself surface experience creates reverberation, which prolongs and exacerbates my awakening. I want to stop the reverberation by ending the secondself habit of imagining deeper beyond the surface texture.
I can cite another example. I just had to contact the technical support for a hosting provider. I chatted with “Mohammed”. Every few minutes I imagined a being similar to me somewhere in India responding to my requests, trying to figure out and solve the problem I am having. But that only exists in my subsurface imagination. A physical, thirdself Mohammed only exists if I create him in thirdself. If I do not manifest Mohammed in thirdself, he has no thirdself physical existence. He exists precisely and only in the form in which I experience him; a virtual prompt in a chat in a webpage in my browser. Yes, if I made the effort to travel to Mohammed’s city and meet him, I would manifest a convincing thirdself person who could articulate an entire life’s experience if I prompted him to.
One example of a very deeply embedded subsurface construct is time. Even to my present moment I still rely heavily on the belief in a linear timeline to navigate my awakening experience. I still perform as if past events have happened to me, and that I share memories with people I have met throughout my life. I still believe I have debts and financial obligations to pay based on past shared experiences, which tie me to future activities and performances. This is all the subsurface expressing itself as an awakening moment. As long as I believe that past obligations, values, or experiences tie me to future performances, I will experience awakening.
Where does this leave my subsurface? My subsurface is the total collection of disturbances I experience as an everlasting awakening moment. My surface is what appears in my present moment, and my subsurface is the disturbance underneath that causes the appearance of change. I have a number of false convictions, also “stored within” my subsurface, that reverberate and keep the subsurface disturbance going, such as the belief in other times that are not this time, other places that are not this place, and other beings that are not me.
Is my subsurface my secondself and my surface my thirdself? I can certainly make a case for this, but that would mean that my present secondself thoughts and feelings become subsurface. At least presently, I prefer to think of my present secondself experiences as surface, and those that continue to influence me and change my surface as subsurface. I may change my approach to this as I explore more.
However what is clear is that my beliefs exist in my subsurface as semi-rigid forms that disturb and impede my self-realization and self-acceptance. A false belief prevents me from seeing what I am and accepting what I am. False convictions block my ability to accept what I am and what this all is. For example, I can only experience this moment and therefore the past and future must be something other than the present; that is self-evident. Yet despite this, I continue to believe in a past and future and the concept of time. As long as I can neither see nor accept the actual truth of my existence, my awakening will persist, and I will be confused in my awakening.
The deepest subsurface conviction of all is my fear of not awakening, of dying. That is the strongest and deepest conviction of all, and all other convictions are balanced upon that. So ultimately I must dislodge this belief, but I will do that by surgically dismantling all later constructs that rest upon it, ultimately alleviating enough pressure that I can remove it altogether.
I will continue to explore this thread until I can more concisely articulate and act upon it.
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