In praying, I am trying to comprehend the entirety of my awakening in my moment. I seek an understanding that pre-exists time. An awareness and sensation of who I am that is so clear I do not need to ask any questions or seek any answers. Being. I seek to be who I am, which is infinitely greater than questioning, answering, and articulating in spoken or written language. A self-understanding that requires me to ask questions and consider their answers in order to simply know who I am is a state of illness and disorder. In the state of peace and harmony, I need not ask who I am. I need not look for anything I do not have, for I have everything and want nothing.
The state that I am seeking is the state of peace. It is the state of being completely self-aware. It is the state of being. It is heaven, bliss, absolute peace. It is what awaits me. It is here right now, and I only have to find my way back here. I am trapped in this awakening full of people, places, events, responsibilities, fears, anxieties, aspirations, and experiences. This place is not what I think it is. It is not what I would call “real”, or authentic. There is a level of being that is much more fundamental and substantial that, when experienced, will reveal this awakening for what it is: a childish, trivial, completely imaginary activity of my own creation. All of it. Everything outside of these black walls, is all fabricated by me.
Change is one of the more difficult parts of my awakening experience to re-conceptualize. The problem is that change is an artifact of movement, and movement is an artifact of my illness. In peace, I do not move because there is no need to move. Movement is purely a symptom of disorientation and pain. The pain of desire drives me to move, and the movement causes the apparent change I experience. If I do not move in either Secondself or Thirdself, there is no change. Everything is truly happening all at once. All I see and experience is the result of my movement; if I stop moving, they also do not happen. I do not experience them. My own movement is what generates these experiences. I am always still here, complete, and whole in my being at every moment. There is only one moment.
…