There is a freckle on my left leg, mid-thigh. Precisely where this freckle lies I can join my two hands together around the circumference of my leg, thumb to forefinger, to measure its girth. When I am comfortable, my fingers meet without squeezing the flesh of my leg or any additional pressure, and when I cross my legs I feel bone upon bone. When my fingers do not easily meet, I must squeeze to make them touch and I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Why? It corresponds to indulgence; when my fingers connect easily at that point, I know that I have not indulged. I feel lighter and move through the world of my awakening more easily. My clothes are baggy and comfortable, and my mind is at ease rather than constantly looking for stimulation from various indulgences. When my fingers cannot touch without extra pressure, I know that I have been weak-willed and am attached to routines and habits that ultimately trap me here in my awakening.
There are many forms of indulgence.
- Overeating as indulgence. Nutritional consumption is one of the more difficult indulgences to control because it is so easily triggered and satisfied. But since it is a foundational indulgence upon which many others are stacked, it is essential to get this under control. I find that the more challenging it is to obtain food, the easier it will become to curtail my indulgence in it. Therefore I do not keep indulgent food like sweets and snacks in my home. I also do not store large quantities of food.
- Possession as indulgence. I must remember: everything I want I have. I desire nothing except the end of my desire. Therefore, my goal is to concentrate my value on that which truly matters: firstself. Valuism is my intrinsic capacity to assign value, whether to firstself, secondself, or thirdself. What I value, I will desire. What I desire, I will move toward.
- One category of constructs I assign value to is material objects and possessions. I can think of my valuism as a finite quantity: at any given time I have 100 units of value I can distribute. I can either assign that value to objects I possess or desire, or I can retain it. The more things I accumulate, the more diluted my value is, and the less I retain undistributed. When I retain value, I am able to concentrate it on that which truly matters: firstself. My return. My healing.
- Dependence as indulgence. If I look at where I ultimately want to be and where I am now, I can measure what must change. I want to be at peace, healed from the pain and discomfort of awakenings. Presently, I depend on a great number of people to render my awakening moment comfortable. As a business owner I am dependent on many employees and contractors. In my personal life I am dependent on many organizations and various assistants and workers. These are all anchors, and to heal I must cut loose from these anchors.
- Waste as indulgence. Wasting anything is a form of indulgence.
- Engagement and entanglement as indulgence. Relationships with people in which I pretend to be a person form messy entanglements that create anchors into my awakening. I still have a deep entanglement with several characters I have written, but must withdraw from them. Those I retain I must enter into as their creator, rather than their friend, employer, family-member, etc.
- Attraction as indulgence. This is a big one for me. I still fetishize certain types of people. I must let that go. I must overcome these. I must not fetishize them anymore, nor lust or think about them.
Indulgence reveals the strength of my disease because it measures the degree to which I want what I do not have, which itself reveals the degree to which I am confused about what I truly want. I truly want permanent release, not temporary relief. Everything in my awakening that I can indulge in can only deliver relief to me. None of the aforementioned can deliver the peaceful release I seek.
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