Becoming the Creator

I need to dwell on the difference between the Creator Perspective and the Creation Perspective. The Creator versus the Character. Transitioning from Character to Creator is the objective. That is very clear. It sets out the objectives of my awakening in a very lucid form. What is the goal of the Selfist Model? My goal in Selfism is to transition from the Character Perspective to the Creator Perspective. 

I can clearly feel the difference now. I can switch between the two models. From the Creator Perspective I know that I am the only being of my type here, and that all the imagery in Thirdself and Secondself is projected from my own being. I have to work on the language. I need to reduce it to the most precise that I can. 

• I am All.
• I am complete and whole. I am the Creator.
• I create my awakening.
• In creating my awakening, I become lost in the Character performance and believe that I am a person with a Secondself inner life among other people in Thirdself. This is a state of disorientation, but I do not recognize it as such
• As a Character, I experience a constant desire. This desire fluctuates in intensity and nature, from pleasure to pain. 
• My desire in awakening acts as a force compelling me to perform in certain ways to achieve relief from the desire I experience.
• My pursuit of relief compels all my performances in my awakening. Achieving relief is only ever temporary, and the relief fades and I again set my focus on the next thing that will give me relief.
• My entire awakening is the coordination of desire-relief cycles. Interruptions of and disturbances to the desire-relief cycle create greater pain. Take my desire-relief cycle of breathing, a fundamental performance I do almost automatically. If I interrupt or disturb it, I experience great pain the longer the disruption occurs.
• As a Character, I experience being imprisoned in a painful nest of desire-relief cycles. I recognize that I constantly seek relief, but only ever achieve limited and temporary comfort before the pain returns, and I again desire relief. 
• The switch back to the Creator Perspective begins when I become aware of this pattern in my awakening and begin to question it. I experience doubt that I am doing the right thing. All my desires up to that point had crystallized into a specific type of lifestyle in my awakening that I had been creating in order to achieve all manners of relief. I begin to lose faith in the path I had chosen, and real cracks will begin to form that ultimately drive me to change my entire course.
• The solution is the Creator Perspective. The Creator Perspective can begin once I accept that I am ill. That I am seeking something – I do desire something – but that everything I have been heretofor doing to achieve and satisfy that desire has not produced any results. So I begin to pivot. I describe this pivoting so I can capture and understand it, but it is extreme and life-altering. This is necessary in order to break free from the prison I had built for myself. I have to break everything that I had believed and held sacred. All must be challenged.
• This stage of breaking free can be very difficult. That path that I was on was very strong; it had a hold on me. And its roots run deep into me in every way. So I have to find all those roots and dig them out. I begin to create the conditions for exposing the Character. I have to ultimately realize that the Character is the illness. The Character is essentially a self-lie. I am not really a person in a world full of people. I am actually pretending to be a person in a world, but I am really the author of that story. I have to come to terms with the difference between experiencing my awakening as a person among people, and as a creator among his creations. 
• I have to come to terms with the difference between experiencing my awakening as a person among people, and as a creator among his creations. 
• That switch is very difficult, because everything inside the imagined world that I had relied on for comfort, becomes irrelevant in this transition. The support I seek must come from somewhere else. Because what support can I get from the characters in the story I have been writing? They will not give support; that is not how I wrote the story. I wrote the story in a way that makes this nearly impossible to achieve.
• But I do create structures that can help me combat the Character. I break it down into an anatomy because I realize that if I can see it for what it is, then I can attack it. I can undermine it. I can overcome it. That gives birth to many theories, axioms, principles, and then frameworks, models, and ultimately being. The current, as-of-now structure, is the Triself. The Triself exposes the composition behind my awakening. I can see how it’s divided, and then more clearly study and understand the mechanisms, and how I might overcome those. Time is another challenge the Character holds tightly to. But I can overcome that with the recognition of my present moment as the only moment. That all of the other moments impressed into my Secondself mind are also of this present moment. I must come to terms with the truth that there was never a past, only a fluctuating and distorting present. That thing I remember happening earlier, that I feel bad for, did not happen. Instead, it is happening now — it is my own self-reflection. Think of it as the ever=changing shape of fire. I must strengthen and reinforce these new models of experiencing my awakening, for they are my weapons against the Character.
• The switch from Character to Creator will continue. If I do not believe i am a person among people anymore, I will perform differently in my awakening. That performance will change my awakening itself. I must only remember that I do desire, and that is for the end of my desire altogether. And at the end of that desire is Me, Home, Peace. Everything I want is there. I only need look at that and draw the strength I need. I do not look at that enough. In fact I never do, because I am so busy fighting my Character, that I never look at the Creator. But it is the Creator I fight for. I fight for God. So I am his army and I must look to Him for strength. He will give me, I will give Me, all I need to carry on. I must not fear anything.
• Also, removing the plurals “we” and “us” and “our” from my usage and thinking are critical to overcoming the Character.

Switching from Creator to Character – that is what I am doing right now. I am letting go of the Character, because that is not really who I am. That is not who I am, and I have to let him go. I have to somehow withdraw from him. That is like a string puppet I have been coordinating, but nothing more.

That is just an act. I have to pull back to see that I am in fact pulling all of those strings. But I just have to be patient and keep searching until I find Who is pulling the strings. That is Me, who I am. That is who I really am. But I still believe that I am this Character, and I won’t be able to see the Creator until I can detach from the Character by a good amount. The Character is very strong. 

How do i detach from the Character? This is where I am now. I must let the Character go. But the Character is wild and unpredictable. So I must tame him, disarm him. And as I do that, I see the strings. And I will see who is pulling them. That the Creator. That is who I am. So I must keep looking at Him, the Creator. I must believe in what he offers me. Until I realize and believe that I Am Him. I Am the Creator.

… Remember, I am trapped in the desire-relief cycle. I desire something, and I seek relief to suppress that desire a bit longer until the next time it flares up. That is all I do as the Character: I just focus on relieving all the various pains I feel. My entire Character performance in my awakening is shaped like all my desires and all the goals I created to achieve relief. Relief is something I want. It all hurts; being here in this awakening hurts. And all the characters I have created carry around this same hurt. We all hurt together, and we all want relief from the hurt. The future we all imagine and talk about is the path toward the relief I believe I seek. The Character is all about securing relief. The relief is always temporary, it never lasts. It never fulfills or satiates. I am always left hungry for more. But the Character is strong and has built an entire edifice upon these. Tearing those down will be tough, because I must realize realize that what I seek is not there. So there has to be another course change.

But does that mean I abandon everything I do in my performance? What about the activity that, once complete, will secure my awakening in such a way I will not need to perform? I will not need to struggle in my awakening, or be in places I do not want to be or go where I do not want to go. Yes, that part of the relief performance will continue, for that is an important part of getting off the path of relief.

So to summarize this:

• The Character is on the path of relief. It is a long and difficult path that never ends.
• The Creator at the end of the path of release. The path of release is the same as the path of relief, but going the opposite direction.

So it is really my orientation. I am on a path toward relief. Endless path. I’m heading to Relief. But if i turn around, I can see the Release, but I have to get there. It’s he same path, just turned around.

I awaken and I am walking on a path. I learn that I am heading toward Relief. I don’t know why I am here, or how I got started here on this path… that’s not actually even possible to ask and answer. But I am walking on this path because I think that something I want is just ahead. I do want something. This reservoir of want is actually what fuels my walking. It is what gives me strength to keep going down this path. What I seek is there, at the end.

Until I realize that, though I seek, I never find anything I truly want on this path toward Relief. I begin to question, and eventually turn around… blah blah blah. This is the boring stuff, gone through it a thousand times. Let’s fast forward.

I wrote this: I have to come to terms with the difference between experiencing my awakening as a person among people, and as a creator among his creations. 

I also realized that I need to look at the Creator. These are the next steps. These are the two things I need to do. Or one, rather. It’s all the same thing. I have to destory the perspective that I am a person among people, and accept that i am the creator among my creations. All these people are not the same as me. I am pretending to be a person among them, but I am lying to everyone. I am lying to them. I am not one of them; I created them. I am their creator. To them, I am their God. But that is a silly word from their perspective. That is the language I wrote for them. I wrote that language for them to use to refer to me. But I am not one of them, so for me to use that to describe myself is necessarily limiting. I won’t be able to see who I am with that word. That made-up, imaginary word I wrote for them to use. Creator is a better word, for i simply manufactured them the way that I do. the way that only I can. And it is above manufacturing — that too is a word I gave to them, my creations. I gave that word to them; it is only a toy of a description of what it is that I do. It is trite and silly, impossible as a way to describe why and how I create them. Even the word of creator is itself greatly limiting. So I must allow myself to achieve an understanding that is far deeper and greater than these very limited toy words. My understanding precedes even what happens in my mind, in Secondself. It is best seen as a conviction, a knowledge that allows no uncertainty or difference of opinion or interpretation. It is essential, unmoving, and permanent. 

To awaken and perform as the Character, is one experience. To awaken and perform as the Creator is another experience altogether. It will be challenging because I still look at the story. I constantly read and watch and dwell upon the story and its characters. I don’t let it go. I spend all my awakening time thinking about and watching the story. The real transformation will occur when I am able to stop focusing on the story, and start focusing on the Creator. When I stop focusing on the relief I believe is in the story, and start focusing on the release I know is the Creator, my path will open up. It will become easier and my pace more swift.

When I first started creating this world in my awakening, I gave the people, my characters, these ideas to use. That was me trying to explain to them who I am. That is how I started creating this. But at some point, for some reason I cannot yet grasp, I waded into my story and created a character. I pretended I was this character in this story I created. This evolved into the experience I now call my awakening. It was not always like this. It was not always so rhythmic and mechanical, and sharp and scary. It was something much more fanciful and playful. But at some point early on I forgot that I had created this character, and the world, and all of it. I forgot that all those words I created to describe myself, were my own words. My own creation. All of it was and is my creation. But I have forgotten all of that and come to believe that I am somehow on the inside of it all looking upward and outward. I’ve forgotten that I am what’s outside, upward, and outward. That is all Me. I am the author of all of this. I created all of this. I created all of it. Every single thing, place, person, animal, object, and experience I manifested. And as one of the creations — the Character — I cannot grasp the tools of my author. So I must let go of the Character and rediscover my own Creator tools, but not from within my Character. My Character will not allow me to see who I am. Who I truly am.

My goal in my awakening is to become the Creator. I am not a person who finds himself in the middle of a world unaware of who I am and where I came from. I am not one of billions of individual beings just like me past, present, and future, who cannot remember their birth and fears their death. Those are all just echoes of my own voice. I am not a person. I am not this character who possesses this body in this world. All of this is my own creation. I created all these people, all these places, and all these performances I put on. None of it is potent or essential. None of this is what I seek. I seek to wake up and overcome this delusional state I have put myself into. I am not a person waking up into a world full of other people. That just is not what this really is. That is just the story I have created. I can look as deep as I want, and this story will never end, no matter which direction I look. I created it that way. I created this story and all of its characters, and I have forgotten and fallen in.

Every awakening is me falling into this place. But there is only one awakening that is happening in this moment. I am not stuck in time, repeatedly falling into this awakening. That is part of the disorientation. As I orient toward release, I will be able to better grasp my moment. I see that my awakening fall from heaven happens in this moment. All happens in this moment. I am this entire moment. I just have to stop the delusions, the disorientation, and come back to my moment. That is all there is. There is only my moment. I do not have to go anywhere or do anything in time. There is no future where I am healed in the way there is no past in which I was not. There just is Me. I am all there is. I am peace. I only have to let go of all the delusions of my awakening.

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