I have suffered many long periods of darkness trying to escape the pain at the core of my being. I have sought both spiritual and material relief, but nothing has worked.
I have always sensed that something was fundamentally wrong; that there was a truth just beneath the surface of my familiar life. I knew that this ‘answer’ would solve everything if I could only see it.
There is an Answer, and descentism is the conclusion of my search for It. It starts with one admission: I am in pain, and I want to know why.
While others seemed content, I was fixated on ‘The Answer’. From a young age I always carried a notebook, ready to write It down when It fell out of my head.
Discouragement from my pursuit was everywhere. I was told that I could not know. That only God knew. That people greater than me knew some part of it. That God was within me. That God was everything. That there was no God. That everything was truth. That nothing was truth. That there were infinite truths.
I resigned myself to ambiguity, reluctantly accepting that the truth is something we arrive at together, as per the parable of the three blind men and the elephant. It helped me submit to a noisy world crowded with many competing answers.
I delighted in this for some time. Every turn yielded new ideas, new experiences, and exciting dreams. I fantasized that I would be the one to piece together The Answer, like a puzzle.
But over time, I grew tired. The pieces did not fit together, and I began to suspect it was all a maze filled with circular answers, vanishing cheese, and dreams trapped in a future that never arrived.
Was I waiting for three blind fools to tell me what an elephant was? Or was I the person watching three blind fools trying to describe an elephant I could plainly see?
I decided then that I would not wait for the fools in the maze. Instead, I would find The Answer myself. After decades of prayer and contemplation, I can finally say It: I am God when I sleep.
This one simple statement is The Answer that leads me back to myself.
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