Category: Uncategorized

I once spoke about my memories using time-based constructs. Memories were “old”, from “long ago”, or “recent”. My “earliest memories” were associated with my childhood. I accepted they were incomplete impressions of a past I had experienced but is no more. I also accepted that other people who were part of those remembered moments exist… Continue reading Memories have depth

I always look for the easiest way to characterize the more complicated aspects of my awakening. Taking a common word or concept, and repurposing it to represent an experience formerly ignored, gives me power over it. This simplification allows me to cut through the distortion, understand, and then disengage from it. In the course of my… Continue reading The chase

I have built an awakening around them. I have diminished and constrained myself to gain their acceptance and approval, while elevating them as equals. I have condescended to be one of them, by being “normal”, fitting in. By acting as if this entire delusion I call life is real, persistent, and authentic. But I am… Continue reading Remember what they are

I frequently consume content related to the conflict between the progressive left and its gender ideology and the conservative right. Although, I have understand that it is only a story I tell myself, I do still consume it in quantities beyond most other topics, and therefore I understand it has some draw on me. In… Continue reading Uniself Reflections from triself

I am circling the drain. I know who I am, and I know what I want. Yet, I am very much stuck on a tangent. I know this. I wake up every day with the same pain and exhaustion. I write about it, I reflect, I pray and contemplate. I validate and reinforce, and then… Continue reading To get out

I have always felt compelled to answer any question I was asked. Either as a matter of curiosity in the pursuit of knowledge, or as a matter of courtesy or interest in a social situation. But answering is an act of coercion and misdirection depending on the nature of the question for it diverts my… Continue reading I do not answer

My awakening is my experience of waking from peace into a larger world of pain until I fall asleep and return again to the peace I left. My life is the imagined succession of such awakenings. Awakening is an illness, and my only goal is to overcome it. I can do that by understanding and… Continue reading Understanding my awakening

To complete my recovery I must reorient away from uniself and toward triself. Part of this reorientation is the narration of my experience from triself, as the author, rather than an observer. In doing so, I repossess and reproportion my experience, extricating myself from the vestigial remains of uniself. Though I have largely preferred to… Continue reading My changing thirdself

My moment refers to my condition when I am fully awakened and convinced that I am embedded within a larger space and timeline. It contradicts my direct experience of an unending, smoldering now, presupposes that I am progressing through a timeline, and that there is a wider world outside of my direct experience. Immediately upon… Continue reading Notes on weakening my awakening

In the selfist model, my awakening is an illness. My secondself of desire-fueled thoughts, feelings, sensations, and aspirations, and my thirdself of people, objects, and places are expressions of my sickness. Together, my second- and thirdself constitute my familiar experience between my moment of awakening and asleepening. At the most primitive level, I experience my… Continue reading Learning from the selfist perspective