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Though the traditional concept of an unfurling, linear timeline contradicts my actual experience, reimagining time is a challenging exercise. I have grown comfortable describing my experience in imaginary, extraexperiential terms. And more importantly, my daily rituals and activities depend on the traditional structure of time. Truth: I only experience this moment. I imagine the non-present… Continue reading The moment of creation

I experience my moment as attention, focus, and awareness. Where I focus is where I emanate. And where I emanate, is the shape of my awareness. Emanation is my awareness, and it can change rapidly. I can focus on my body, and with concentration, the sensation inflates and expands. Or I can focus on an… Continue reading My prismatic moment

The experience of a world when I awaken is one of the primary manifestations of my illness. As much as I would want to, I do not awaken into an empty space. I awaken into a state of delirium in which I am unable to return to and remain at the moment of creation. Instead,… Continue reading How to kill the world

The Selfist Story is the most basic and fundamental account of my existence. It always starts at the very beginning with a description. I do not search for how, why, or any sort of reasoning or explanation. I just describe what I see and experience in the simplest terms. My story must begin and end… Continue reading The selfist story: a method

My experience of time is my experience of desire. As I sit here incanting, I remember something familiar, but also very distant. It is a memory I had forgotten. A sensation that once defined my existence, but has since transformed into my familiar experience when I awaken. A time before I accepted my life the… Continue reading Desire is time, time is desire

I close my eyes and my thirdself vanishes, leaving only residual glowing patches where the oval-shaped window was just open. My secondself buzzes with activity, but I know it is my firstself in which I am cradled, which extends infinitely in all directions. I only have to close my eyes to come here and know… Continue reading I am here

When I can visualize the truth of my being as I experience it, my conviction strengthens. If I imagine scenarios that appear different in my head than my actual experience, the detachment impedes me from truly believing it. My conviction is directly related to my ability to fit my conceptualization to my direct experience. For… Continue reading How I move

As I simplify and distill my understanding of who I am, I articulate cleaner visuals using ever more elementary descriptions. With every simplification, I find it a little easier to ingest, repeat, and believe. And now I can explain what is happening. I call it the Selfist Trinity. There are three existential constants I experience:… Continue reading The selfist trinity

The second place is a mirror. When I first gazed into the mirror, I knew what I was looking at. I knew that I was only seeing myself. For I am all there is. There are no other places than where I am. There are no other people than who I am. There are no… Continue reading The mirror

There is a truth, and that truth is who I am. When I see it, I know it because I am it. I do not need to think about it, or reach for it, or calculate it, or understand it. I am it. I am the truth, and the truth is everything. But I have… Continue reading My personhood is the illness