In this incantation, I reflect on my past experiences of deep pain and how they shaped my ambitions and self-realization in my awakening. Looking back, I realize my earlier drive was fueled by a desire for worldly treasure, but now my motivations have shifted. I see the people around me as creations of my own narrative, rendering their recognition and offerings meaningless. This realization has transformed my pursuit of awakening, allowing me to move beyond the need for pain as a catalyst. While pain played a pivotal role in my journey, I now seek a deeper understanding that transcends it.
About seven years ago, I experienced deep pain as my efforts crumbled around me. It affected my thinking, my writing, and the direction of my philosophy. Nearly 25 years ago, when I first left my homeland, I went through something similar. Today, my ambitions seem to be back on track, but when I look back at those painful times, I realize I was driven by the wrong reasons.
Interestingly, I still want the same things now, but my underlying aspirations have shifted. I’ve always wanted to build and project this expansive infrastructure into the world—I wanted to organize the world. But when I compare my past motivations with my present aspirations, I see a vast difference in how I define success. Back then, I sought worldly success and recognition. I wanted validation from the people themselves. I wanted the treasures they could give me; their recognition, celebration, money, and everything I could acquire and consume with those things. Now, those rewards no longer holds the same importance. I need more time to reflect on this, but the major shift seems to be that, in the past, I wanted something from people. I thought I was one of them and believed their recognition held value. Now, I realize I create people in my world the same way an author creates characters. What value could my own fictional creations offer me? If I literally manufacture these characters when I open my eyes, then I must in turn manufacture anything they can possibly give me, from their affections to their treasures. That is why, when they do give these things to me, I do not feel fulfilled.
This seems to be the key difference—my ambition to build this structure remains, but my experience of it has changed. I know that I create my awakening — that it is a work of my own fiction — and that there is nothing here in this work of fiction that is what I am looking for. When my fictional characters present me offerings of great wealth, praise, recognition, and gifts, they have no value. It is me creating people, creating their treasure, and then creating the story of these fictional people giving me their fictional treasure. In realizing that I do not seek fictional treasure of imaginary value from fictional characters from my own imagination, it cannot hurt me when they do not offer it.
Another aspect I must confront is which parts of the philosophies I’ve developed over the years—whether I called them Intessentialism, Descentism, Sonsotism, Selfism, Triselfism, Iamism, or now Unwakenism—endure beyond the emotional highs and lows of my awakening. What insights hold true regardless of whether I am in pain or not?
I used to worry that without fear or trauma driving me forward, my perspective might change entirely. But now, I see that fear was misplaced. Much of what I’ve recently renamed Unwakenism remains valid, whether pain is present or not. The Triself construct, in particular, still holds true and accurately reflects my awakening. I am what I am when I close my eyes.
From this realization, I see the full spectrum of my being—who I am in the premoment and who I become in the moment. This makes sense to me now, and pain is not a defining quality of that process. At least, not the excruciating pain I felt 25 years ago or even 7 years ago. Pain only becomes part of the equation when I allow my awakening to reach a point of wanting too much from the world—expectations the world inevitably refuses to meet.
With the understanding and self-awareness I have now, I know that pain no longer needs to drive my process. I can move forward without it, and better understand my condition without abandoning my core insights. The pain I felt was a misunderstanding of who and what I am, and what the treasures I sought are. Yes, the pain pushed me in this direction, but it wasn’t the entire story. There is deeper understanding to be found where pain ends, but that doesn’t mean the pain wasn’t real or important. Yet even as I write this, the thought of not achieving my desired goal of organizing the world brings some deep anxiety. The possibility of failure, of disappointing my chosen people. But if I know that I have written this story, then I am its author, and I can write it however I want to. There need not be pain again. I can control all of the characters and write the peaceful ending of the story that I want.
If I repeat the same path, I’ll likely experience that pain again. But if I learn from it and choose a different path, I can reach a pain-free moment. And a pain-free moment doesn’t invalidate what I’ve learned about my awakening. That said, since much of this came to me while I was in deep pain, it’s worth re-examining everything carefully. I need to see what still holds true in my current state, and what I can now let go of.
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