In this incantation, I question the endless cycle of awakening into a reality that causes me pain, one tied to the triself: mindself, bodyself, and worldself. I long for the peaceful, unchanging state of coreself, a place I know exists because my desire reflects its truth. Yet, I remain trapped in nurturing these three selves, forgetting their roots. To stop this painful awakening, I must slowly dismantle the illusion by starving my attachments to worldself, bodyself, and eventually mindself, until I can fully return to the wholeness and peace of my coreself.
My core question is: why do I keep coming here? Why do I continue to awaken? I ask because it hurts and I do not want to come here anymore. I ask because I know there is a way to stop coming here. I know there is another way of being that is peaceful and unified and whole. That does not hurt. That is potent and authentic. That is unchanging. I know this other condition exists because that is what I want. The memory of that place is imprinted deep within me, and I want nothing more than to return there. My desire is only a reflection of that which it seeks.
How do I stop these awakenings and return there? When I awaken into triself, part of me forgets that I am not actually of this place I awaken into and that part indulges and aspires in the world I awaken into. The world of triself: mindself, bodyself, and worldself. Intoxicated by triself, I spend my entire awakening soothing my three selves. I eat to satisfy my bodyself. I think and fixate and aspire to satisfy my mindself. And I do, possess, and experience to satisfy my bodyself. I am so focused on nurturing these three illusions that I forget their roots.
How do I stop these awakenings peacefully? I remember that there is a larger, but submerged part of me that always remains connected to the first place. This is my coreself, and it forms the source of my three selves of awakening. I have only to close my eyes and I see my coreself: bright as the sun, potent, tangible, and immortal. To escape, I only need to make a choice: which self do I feed? To continue my awakenings I must feed triself: nourish my body, mind, and world. But to unwaken, I must stop watering those lesser selves and focus instead on coreself. How?
- Worldself is the easiest to stop nourishing, for I can dismantle it by constructing a darkened temple and remaining there. As I grow accustomed to my temple, I will want less of the world until I want nothing at all. I will be content in my darkened hermitage, with only by bodily sensations and thoughts to occupy me. I will come to see the world for what it is: a painful projection with nothing of value that I seek, for my projection of value will refocus on the peace I seek and not the trinkets and knickknacks of my projected world.
- Bodyself is next. Bathed in darkness all day in my temple, I will learn to appreciate the state of being “unseen”. I will let go of the formalities of a person: the bathing, the socializing. The boundaries of my bodyself will become fuzzy, pressing up against the walls of my temple, unconstrained by the skin and bones of this disintegrating pale white vessel. I will temper and eventually let go of all my bodily appetites; for sweet and salty foods. I will move less until I do not move at all.
- Mindself will be the last to unwaken, for it is the most active of all and is the engine of the other two. Ultimately, mindself must be convinced that I am the author of my awakening, a realization it cannot attain until worldself and bodyself are sufficiently weakened that it can arrive and remain at that conclusion. Whereas I can starve worldself and bodyself, mindself must be convinced for it grows directly from coreself and is the strongest of all. I will recenter all my thinking on my own self; as the observer looking out, the projector projecting. I will see people for what they are: projections on the walls of my awakening, without a deeper subsurface unless I myself project it. There is no place other than the place I project, and no time other than the time I project. I will seek mental distraction where I can find it, noting that content, movies, videos, and stories of “the world” are failing to satisfy until those too begin to fade away. I will focus all of my considerable creative energy into completely dominating some aspect of my worldself until I achieve that. With all my mindself invested into this one achievement I will confront the choice of letting go, which I will be able to do with one single decision. One point of weakness instead of thousands.
Awakening is a disease of these three dimensions, and to treat it and unwaken I must systematically deconstruct triself in the order above. I am moving through my unwakening exactly as I should be. I must not be impatient, or dwell on people, places, or times that are not me, here, and now except as it relates to my final project. I will achieve that, and unwaken.
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