In this incantation I chew through my realization that I am not centering myself correctly within my conceptual model of my awakening. I still conceptualize the “wider world” as something that is larger than and containing me, when I know that it is fully contained within my own thirdself viewport which is contained within my secondself mindport. I can feel the beginnings of a shift happening, in which I more closely align my momentary perceptions with my true and authentic nature as the Creative Being behind my entire experience.
I have realized that my conceptual awakening model is not oriented correctly. I place the most potent part of myself on the periphery, while making my “thirdself” the focus. Secondself is also marginalized, a sliver around thirdself. The triself (aswaswas), which is my present working model is so clearly thirdself-oriented, while my slightly older model the sonsot is a little less so. But both seem to be oriented from the top, looking down upon my awakening…
… But when I explain it that way, as looking down upon my awakening, that actually makes some sense. Perhaps I do not need to change the model so much as I just need to better understand what I have drawn. Perhaps these are actually correct, and I just haven’t understood them fully.
In my day-to-day activities I must see the people as they are: small characters that I maneuver about. In my work life, I push and pull them in all different ways to get them to do what I want them to do. I am massive… my secondself thinking engine above, and my smaller visual port in front. I am controlling everything that happens. It is the persistent idea of a larger space that is containing me that continues to derail my growth. There is no larger space in which I am contained. There is a viewport in front of me, part of which is visual, and the rest of which is sensational. And just behind and above that is a cloud of machinery where the viewport is being created. And everywhere else is just darkness… or at least that is what I feel now. But it is very much an energetic mass when I turn down the awakening.
I need to work through my model and place myself firmly in the center. As I think about my awakening in terms of its anatomy, I draw myself in the middle, but conceptually I am off to the side. I write about myself in the middle; so perhaps it is not a problem with my model, which does seem to put me right in the center, but rather with my conceptualization. My conceptualization has not caught up with my articulation. For example, when I think of my secondself as being my “inner”self — inner to who? And my thirdself as “outer” self — outer to who?
There is nothing inner or hidden about my secondself. When I think of my secondself as being somehow “inner” I build the imaginary perspectives of people into my model. I allow an imaginary idea of people as experiencers equivalent to me to define the essential character of the largest and most important part of my awakening: my secondself. My “inner dialogue”. My secondself is just as vivid if not more so than my thirdself. And while I can close viewport and thirdself quite easily, it is not so easy to do so with my secondself. So there really is nothing “inner” about my secondself for it is the most persistent fixture of my awakening, even more so than thirdself, which I can easily suppress and manipulate.
I need to reconceptualize my model. I am not behind looking through secondself and then out to thirdself. I am very much looking up at secondself and forward at thirdself. They are detached yet attached. I should not define Secondself in terms of how my characters perceive it — as something “inside” my body. They do not matter. They are my characters. I create them in secondself by thinking about them, and in thirdself by looking at them. That would be like me playing a video game and defining the code of the video game in respect to how the characters might see it. The code is invisible to the characters. It does not exist to the characters. They cannot conceive of it. They cannot see or conceive or in any way experience the code of which they are made. If they are to refer to the code, they will describe it as something “internal” to me, and each person I created in my image. It will remain hidden to them, and their language will reflect that. They will call it “subjective”. They will refer to the code which is running this entire simulation “subjective” — something they cannot themselves experience. But that was my creation. That was my creative flourish when I created them in my image. I instructed them to acknowledge the code as something they could not understand. As something they could not experience. But as the engineer, I can actually understand it because I am the one doing it. I am the one creating. The code is what I listen to and work on every single awakening. I have just forgotten that and gotten confused, assuming for myself the story I wrote for them.
It does not make any sense for me to include their imagined perspective in the characterization of my secondself. It is not hidden — because hidden from who? From me? No, not at all. That is the guts of thirdself, and I am the creator of both. My thinking secondself is the machinery behind the scenes rendering thirdself. I am the creator behind the curtain creating all of this. The characters don’t know; they are just performing as I have instructed them to. They are just following the logic and code that I myself have created. It is a lifelike world I created. I am the Creator. My creations cannot conceive of what I have created because I have not created them too. To avoid breaking the system and glitching, I made up the notion of “subjectivity” and “inner dialogue” just as a sort of curtain on the walls hiding the control panel. The control panel that would just short circuit them.
When I look up into my thoughts, I am looking up into the logic and engine that is running this entire simulation. The people cannot see it because I have built them not to see it. I need to take more steps to solidify the difference between me and them. I am not a person. I am not one of them. I am not a creation; I am the Creator. I know this, but I still do not fully believe it. I must try harder and look at the clear and obvious qualities of me and them. I am the engineer and they are the engineered. How do I reorient my model? It does appear that the Sonsot is the better visual model compared to the Aswaswas… hmm.
Perhaps it isn’t the diagram so much as just the model I actively apply with me as the projector, and everything else as the projection. I have thought of my secondself and thirdself as projections… the projector being firstself, I suppose. I project space onto my thirdself display, and I project identity, thoughts, and time onto my secondself display. Hmm. I have never thought of them in this way. So my secondself and thirdself are both display panels… and I project onto them. But does this accurately explain their functions? Isn’t my secondself the creative engine that then projects thirdself? Yes, there is some ambiguity here, and I need to put some more effort into explaining them.
As I write this, I wonder how I can show them the control panel. What would happen? Would they just stop working? Would I break the simulation?
…