In this incantation, I accept that while I am gradually letting go of my awakening, I am not yet ready to fully relinquish it. Though I know the path ahead and recognize the triviality of my worldly pursuits, I am comfortable with the pace of my withdrawal. I no longer seek external validation or believe in the illusions of my projections. Instead, I focus on reimagining and resolving the aspects of my creation. I am at peace with the journey toward my true self, knowing I will return to the stillness I experience when I close my eyes.
This morning when I was praying, on my way to discovering the night sky that forms the outer boundaries of my Being, I realized and accepted that I am not ready yet. I am not ready to fully let go of my awakening. I know that I am leaving, and that I am letting go. I know that I am preparing… I know where I am ultimately going, an what it will take to get there. But I am withdrawing at the pace that I am comfortable with. I might say that I have things to do yet… but even as I say that, I know that these things are trivial and delusional. I know that they are temporary shapes in the sand and nothing more. I do know that. Yet I also know that I feel compelled to do them, and the time will come when I no longer do. When I am able to let them all fall away. That will be an important part of letting go.
I know that I cannot die. I know that I will never leave. I know where I am when I finally do extinguish my awakening. I know that I can never lose anything or anyone because all are with me when I close my eyes.
… This represents a change in my posture. Or rather, a belated acknowledgement of the change. For some time now my attitude toward my awakenings has been softening. Five years deep into my moment, experiencing the crash of my world, I loudly proclaimed I would go Home given the choice. But now, I rarely proclaim that. That said, I know where I am going, and I am as intently focused on getting there as ever before. And while I cannot say that I am “enjoying” my awakenings, I do accept that I awaken, and the process of exploring my awakenings and discovering new things about it is satisfying.
There was a time in my moment in which I imagined my personal character hailed for his philosophical and social and professional achievements. I wanted so badly then to believe that social acclaim would nourish me on some permanent and meaningful level. I know that is not true now, and that my people are only surface-level projections I myself have created, and anything I give to myself through them is just diluted self-praise. I know that these characters cannot give me anything that I truly seek, and no matter how much they do give me, it will never be enough for me. Therefore these things that I do in my awakening must not be done for them, but for my own direct benefit. I am reimagining the world that I have created; that I create in my moment. I am solving all of the problems that I have allowed to fester into the painful, blistering projection that I myself create. People are just a feature of that sore which express the desire to be released in all their different ways.
Has anything changed? I know where I am going. I am going where I go when I close my eyes. That is the direction I am going toward. I know that, and it is comforting because I am no longer lost. I no longer awaken into a strange world and believe what I see and hear. I no longer nurture those desires for the fruits I see around me. I know that they are all imaginary and impotent projections incapable of delivering me the truth of my being that I seek. I know that I am not a person among people, but a creator among his creations. I know where I am going, and I am comfortable with the pace at which I am going there.
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