In this incantation, I explore the concept of my presence as the only reality, unraveling the illusion of time, obligations, and desires as symptoms of a mental delirium. I focus on the “shimmer” — a characterization of my awakening fever that I have mistaken for beings other than me, times other than now, and spaces other than here. I describe how the “shimmer” embodies the illusion of a linear timeline, where memories and imagined commitments compel me to act in the present, striving to fulfill perceived obligations rooted in an imagined past. The shimmer perpetuates my belief in these false constructs, keeping me in a cyclical awakening. To heal, I must deconstruct these illusions, accept the absence of a true past, and free myself from the performative aspirations that define my existence.
I know that I am the only being, my present moment is the only time, and my presence is the only space. My presence is the totality of all that exists. Me, here, now. I know that all other beings, times, and places I imagine to be real are symptoms of my illness. All the rooms that are not this one, all the people, all the memories, all my obligations are desires — all are features of my sickness. I know that I feed that delirium by focusing on it. I know that if I am still, and do not move, and do not think about anything other than my presence, I will heal. I know that those parts of my awakening which I nurture such as my work, aspirations, and my relationships will wither away and perish, and I will recover. I know this.
What is the shimmer? The shimmer is a construct that allows me to conceptualize the sensation of movement and change that underpins my belief in a linear timeline. In my moment I experience a constant shifting between my actual present, my imagined past, and my imagined future. I can imagine myself shifting between these three states as a sort of reverberation. Imagine I am wholly engrossed in my own present moment, but then I think about a past experience during which I made a commitment to do something at a future date. Now I have refocused my attention away my present, onto an imagined past commitment, which then compels me to change my present behavior to fulfill that imagined future commitment. Essentially, I imagine a past event in which I made an obligation or formed a desire, then I experience the pursuit of that desire and fulfillment of that obligation.
This is the shimmer at work. It is the collection of obligations to people and my own self stemming from imaginary past events and their connected future-oriented performances at achieving or satisfying those. For example, in this moment I carry a strong desire to repay a debt I believe I took on five years ago. As long as I hold on to this belief that I have a debt, I will experience the effects in my present moment as a sense of obligation to fulfill it, or shame that I have not yet.
Whether a debt or a friendly relationship, the shimmer and my belief in a linear timeline work on the same principle: my belief in a past desire, value, or commitment compels me to create a future in which that desire, value, or commitment is satisfied. The shimmer is my continuous secondself vibration between a past value and obligation and future expectation of fulfillment. When I want something, my desire is rooted in an imagined past value. There really is no past, only my belief that there is a past. As long as I maintain that desire, I will spend my moment performing to realize that value. Until I am aware of how the shimmer works and commit to overcoming it, I will continue to create and nurture “memories” that control my present moment of performative aspiration.
I am not repeatedly awakening — I have not been awakening for over four decades. I am instead trapped in a spinning free-fall, which I experience as continuous cycle of awakening and asleepening. Memories are like a circular rail system; I awaken and continue my circular traversal. They are deep tracks that are difficult to escape; I am spinning uncontrollably like a top, which I experience as re-awakening to continue some imagined obligations from my imagined previous awakening. I have no obligations. I have no previous awakenings. There is no linear timeline of events I can plot on a timeline from start to finish. All my memories are artifacts of my spinning motion; residual tracers of the anchors I have placed in the surface of my awakening as I try to make sense of it all. I have no debts. I have no obligations. I have no goals. I only have the conviction that I have debts, obligations, and goals.
All these people, shapes, movements, and experiences are the consequence of my movement. It is my movement that manifests everything. If I do not go outside, there is no outside. If I do not think about America, there is no America. But there are so many more constructs that stem from this construct; to disassemble it I must deconstruct them all, from the top down. To stop, I must accept that I have no past. I never did any of those things I believe I did. I never hurt anyone, wronged anyone, or had any proud moments. The people of my convictions are little more than bots; paintings on the surface of my awakening. I am not here. There is no past and there is no future. My conviction that there is, is the shimmer.
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Performative aspiration is my conviction that behaving in certain ways in my moment will produce a more desirable future.