In this incantation I continue my effort to deconstruct my false sense of self upon awakening. I know that I am not truly “here” in a place full of people, places, and experiences. I never leave my asleepening; I am always present. My presence is all there is. It is only the changing texture of the wallpaper of my presence which confuses me.
The subsurface is everything beyond my presence. When I search for meaning in my awakening experience, I am creating subsurface. When I lament a feature or experience of my awakening, I am extending my subsurface. All the meaning and value I have created is subsurface. There is only me, and the decor of my wallpaper is inessential. A choice. All my creations I fill my awakening with are temporary and fictitious creations of my own; my dog, my family, friends, colleagues, clients, neighbors, and more. There is nothing below their physical thirdself appearance unless I imagine and manifest it there. They are my projections that I am writing in my moment.
The distance between who I truly and the pain of my awakening is the subsurface. When I imagine, feel, and believe that I have a particular attachment to one person over another, I am manifesting subsurface. The textural differences between people are only there if I engage them. If I choose to create the subsurface. I must withdraw from all relationships until the texture of my awakening is smooth and monotonous, for that is when I will be closer to who I truly am. I worry not about the loss of those relationships; the substance of all people in my awakening is my own, and when I direct my own substance into secondself or thirdself, I remove it from firstself.
The subsurface is my own substance converted into “otherness”. Other people, other places, other times, other forms. Other experiences. There are several people I love; but it is not them I love, it is my own self I love. It is that particular reflection of myself that I love. It is more powerful if I retain my substance within, than convert it into secondself and thirdself constructs. My awakening should be dark, featureless surface without people, without places, without titillation, without time, and without meaning beyond my recovery.
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