In this incantation I continue my effort at simplifying fundamental selfist concepts.
Otherness is the subsurface.
I can best summarize my illness as the delusional belief that I am one person among many people, in one place among many places, in one time among many times, with one experience among many experiences.
My awakening divides into two chambers: my inner secondself of thoughts, feelings, sensations, and desires; and my outer thirdself of objects, light, color, movement, and space. These two chambers are both intrusive projections; that is, they occur within my larger, permanent being I call firstself.
While I project the contents of secondself and thirdself onto the fleshy surface of my firstself, there is another hidden chamber I call my subsurface. The subsurface is a set of false convictions that respond to the core condition of my awakening: desire. More than anything, my awakening is a desire for peace. It drives every single action I take in my awakening moment, from that first decision to force myself out of bed and prepare a mug of coffee, to my last decision of the day before I close up my computer and roll back into bed. My desire seeks an outlet. My desire seeks release. My desire seeks its own end. My desire seeks to end itself.
The subsurface is an untouchable reservoir of desire and conviction that the way to end my desire is to achieve, acquire, be, and experience something other than who, what, where, when, and how I am. The subsurface is otherness. It is the place I wish I was instead of here. The possessions I wish I had instead of what I do. The experiences I wish I was having that I am not. The achievements I wish I had that I do not. The future I want to have that surpasses the present moment I do. I only have one, ever-burning moment, and the subsurface is the force the compels me to look away from that fact. The subsurface is the only thing standing between me and overcoming my illness.
There is nothing other than me, here, now. The idea that there are other beings, other places, other times, and other experiences is why I am trapped here. I am in a race to capture an experience other than the one I have, possessions other than what I have, and achievements other than what I have. All the things I wake up and chase are the roots that keep me here. There is nothing out here in my awakening that will deliver me the healing I seek. The subsurface is the engine of my disease; I must deconstruct the belief that there is anything other than me, here, now.
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