In this incantation I try to describe a fleeting sensation I once described to my aunt, of not wanting to be around people because it hurt. I tried to explain that I wanted my people “in me”, and not “outside of me”.
From peace and infinite, seamless unity, I fragment into all the textured content of my awakening, and then back again to peace. I know that people are simply pieces of my flesh ripped from my being and rendered into animated characters embedded into this textured surface I call my awakening. I once told my aunt something I could not really grasp at the time. I did not choose my words, and instead voiced something deep and truthful within I had never thought of before. Every time I have tried to explain it since then I could not express it on even a basic level, and so I gave up trying, knowing it would come out in its own time. I told her that I preferred my isolation because being around people hurt so much. Why?
People become increasingly messy and painful as I transform them from secondself concepts into thirdself percepts. As secondself concepts, I experience people as low-resolution photographic stills or short, looping animations, voices, or feelings I associate with them. But as I transform people from secondself into thirdself, many things happen. In secondself I have a great degree of control over their appearance and influence over me. In secondself they cannot tell me what to do or annoy, irritate, or trouble me. I can hide them away by not thinking about them. If there is some recent pain or conflict with them, then that may linger and influence my awakening, but in secondself they can be suppressed.
In thirdself, people are more troublesome. There is an immediate sense of a split awareness when they are present and my attention is divided. If, during thirdself engagements, I believe I am a person and they are the same as me, the interaction will not only be distressful but confusing. I will imagine there is a deeper subsurface to each of them; a life full of experiences, memories, relationships, interests, opinions, preferences, loves, and fears. A past birth and a future death. And then, depending on the nature of our particular engagement, the subsurface could extend indefinitely. If it is a family member I had not seen, I might feel guilty for not staying in touch. I can experience any number of feelings and sensations in thirdself engagements that I do not in secondself.
Thirdself engagements hurt because they are false. I am not a person, and these people are not like me. Yet when I manifest people and project them onto the walls of my being, I generate a painful and false subsurface I know is not true, yet I still believe exists. I must demanifest all people because they are the greatest vectors of pain. I perform for people. I strive for people. I fight when people. I awaken for people. People are the problem.
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