When I choose to awaken as the Creator and not as a person, my awakening begins to change.
I realize that there is only this one moment. I know this is true because I cannot ever experience past or future moments. I can imagine them, but never actually experience them directly, which means they exist only in my secondself cavity. What are they? The sensation of change and time are insidious symptoms of my disease. Change is not a feature of an external world beyond me; it is a symptom of my own illness. It is a sign of my inability to suppress my cancerous demiself and be who I am; peace. The change I experience in my awakening is identical to the feeling of dizziness I experience when I spin around quickly and then come to a stop. My experience of continuous change, desire, nonstop dissatisfaction, lust, hunger, thirst, anxiety and more are variations of my existential nausea.
I realize that there is nothing beyond the horizons of my inner secondself or outer thirdself. The extent of what is, is the extent of what I experience in this moment. My sense of time, of a past and a future, and other places, is a part of my inner secondself cavity. The cavity appears to change in shape in size with my movements. But I am always at the center, and the cavity always projects outward from my center.
I realize that everything I consume was created by me, for me. As the Creator, I am the both the performer and audience. There are no equivalent beings observing me. That I am a member of a class of beings called “people” and I am actively sharing a planet with them, is entirely a manifestation of my imagination.
I realize that there are no other experiencers. The people I see are only as deep as their surface appearance. There is nothing inside and beyond their appearance unless I forcefully split that surface, creating new surface with a different texture. Whatever is exposed to me is the surface.
I realize that when I close my eyes, I end my thirdself projection. What is the true nature of thirdself? I only have to close my eyes and I can experience it. I do not have to meditate (unless I want to experience the lack of secondself); I must simply close my eyes and witness the cloudy darkness that envelops me instantly. What I “see”, sense, and experience — eyes closed — is the inner walls of the cavity upon which I project thirdself. What I sense in closing my eyes is what I will find just behind the forms, colors, lights, and movements I project onto the horizons of my physical space.
I realize what while I know I am omnipotent, I identify as demipotent. If I believed in my own omnipotence, I could choose to close my eyes now and never reopen them into this awakening. But it is my own misguided desire which compels me to continue to open my eyes and awaken. I know that when I am ready, I will close my eyes one final time and never return to my awakening, instead remaining in my true infinite, eternal, desire-free, and painless form as the Being. The only Being there is.
I realize that these familiar people, places, and things of my awakening will end when I heal. The stories I tell myself during my awakening are my own stories. I am writing them as I experience them. It is my own hands holding the pencil that is drawing all the people in my life. That are sculpting all the experiences I have. These people and experiences will not persist after I heal. Once I heal from demiself, they will not persist for they have no existence outside of my storytelling. The book will not continue writing itself. There is no other God who will continue crafting their separate lives after I have gone, for they only exist as patterns and shapes I project onto the walls of my being. There will be no legacy for me to create and protect and bestow to future generations of people, for nothing will exist in these cavities once I heal and return.
I notice that nothing written or created accurately explains or describes the truth of my situation. Every book, video, or story imagines a world beyond the horizons of my own experience. People all share the same perspective: that there is something beyond them. They cannot fathom that I am their creator, and they only exist because I write them into my story. They are not acting, or lying — they are simply written this way by me, firstself.
I realize that all of my attachments to people, objects, and experiences, are harmful addictions that are keeping me here against my firstself will. My true desire is to end my desire. My true state is one without desire, bathing in peace. My demiself existence and all of its expressions and attachments, is the illness and disease I seek to overcome. Even those relationships that feel “healthy” spring from the same illness. All people, possessions, and experiences I pursue and retain in my awakening are manifestations of my disease. I must abolish my desire for all of them.
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