What am I? How am I shaped? What is this awakening? These are the questions I seek answers for. But until I understand some fundamentals of what is going on inside, I cannot possibly understand what is outside.
I am. Always, eternally, infinitely. I am. My awakening which I experience as a moment, is an illness which I experience as an erupting and painful illness I can cleanly divide into Secondself and Thirdself. My awakening is the painful experience of my Firstself splitting in half internally. I experience being torn apart into a gaping wound that oozes outward into the sensation of space and objects and people, and inward into the sensation of thoughts, desires, time, and insignificance. My awakening is confusing and I am lost out here. I do not know who I am, where I am, or what any of this is. I patch together an aggregation of confusing and misleading stories into a false identity that I am a “person” among many other people, temporarily experiencing something I cannot quite explain. That is a dead-end identity and as long as I retain that self-concept I am doomed to remain in that state.
I must be persistent and break away from that self-conception, because it is not true. I am not a person experiencing personhood. That is all just an imaginary character I created, but that I forgot that I created. That is not who I am or what this is. That never happened and cannot happen because I actually wrote all of this. I created all of it. I manifested every single aspect of this awakening experience — all the words, the ideas, the places, the stories, the people. All of it. I created it all. It didn’t take years… it did not happen in time. It already is here. All of that creation exists instantly. I create that in a way that precedes my character concept of “time”.
I cannot explain how it works in the language constructs of my Secondself or Thirdself. And that I cannot articulate it means that I must understand it on some earlier and deeper level. I must understand it from direct and actual experience. So explaining it over and over is helping me to remove some of the obstacles between me and my true self… these obstacles that prevent me from returning Home. I constantly refine my explanation of my awakening experience and it becomes ever more sharp, concise, and useful in jolting me out of my slumber.
I created all of it, and I have forgotten “how”. But “how” is actually unimportant and insignificant when compared to the fact that I do. Of what value is “how” to “do”? How is a distraction and not actually important to rediscover this power I have. That I do is so much more powerful. Once I believe that I do, then I will. And that is all it comes down to.
I awaken and erupt. All that I experience in Thirdself and Secondself is the inflammation of my tissue. I am a single, solitary, all encompassing, and whole being. There are not other beings here that I relate to but am not. All those people are just hot and painful spots within the inflammation. Everything I see on the surface of my inflamed Firstself is part of the illness. There is nothing in the world, Thirdself, or in my mind, Secondself, that is what I seek. There is nothing in the wound that will make the wound better. I need to heal it by overcoming it. By seeing it for what it really is, and what it is not. When I believe it is something that it really is not, I am unable to escape it. I get entangled in things within the wound that only make it worse. I need to start healing the wound, and ultimately that will look like a place where there is less everything. Where I move very little. I will not manifest an outside. It is not that I won’t go outside — I won’t create outside. My awakening and my asleepening will become increasingly similar. Right now I am unable to really make out what occurs in my asleepening, but that is only because my awakening is so asymmetrically loud that it captures and holds my attention. Once I begin to heal my awakening
I experience my awakening as a painful projection outward into Thirdself, and an equally painful projection inward into Secondself.
The way out is to remember that I am not here. That I am not in an awakening. The awakening itself is the delusion. I have to abolish that delusion because it is trapping me here.
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