In my awakening I believe that questioning delivers the ultimate form of knowledge. That answers are achievements I earn at the end of the learning struggle. But this is self-deception. Questioning is a painful state of uncertainty and disorientation. It is the acceptance of ambiguous answers in place of a absolute being. That I am and that it is do not precede the act of questioning and the ambiguity of answers. That I am and that it is are infinitely more fundamental than any question I might ask and answer I might find.
I awaken. What I see is what is visible. What I experience is what is experienced. Everything manifests with my experience, not before it, nor after it. As I awaken, I manifest all I experience. What I experience, is. What I do not experience, is not. My experience is all there is. There is nothing beyond my experience. The most potent part of my experience is that which does not change: my presence and my moment. My being in this eternal moment. That which changes is the least potent of all.
I desire peace. When I think that I will find peace out here in the least potent region of my awakening, I am always disappointed. The peace I seek is where change does not happen. Where I am, always. I am the most unmoving and potent of all aspects of my experience, and I am what I seek.
My healing begins with “I am”, not with a question. If my questions lead me to uncertainty, then they are the wrong questions. If my questions reinforce my certainty, then they are good. I awaken. I am the only being like me for I am the being who creates all that I experience. The beings I call people are moving fixtures within the spaces of my awakening. They are forms with a depth that arises from my own performance. It is my activities which keeps them here. Which brings them here to me. I have allowed my awakening to become this reaching, many headed dragon. I have allowed it to become this scary and painful experience full of people, places, and things. I am not a person here in this place who possesses these things. I am not this person who lives here and has these things. I am not a person with preferences and aspirations. That is my performance. That is my madness. My performance is madness. I am not a son, a brother, and grandson, a friend, a partner, a citizen, an employer. These are all lies I have told myself. I wake up every day and don these masks and pretend to be a person I am not. I am not one of these bodies that move throughout my Thirdself chamber and intrude into my Secondself chamber. My character is my madness. My performance is self deceit. I am not a person awakening into a bed in a place that is not my homeland. I am eternal, permanent, unchanging. I am always.
People are limited, temporary fixtures in my awakening. That is what they are. I am their creator. The most potent section of my awakening experience is that which never changes; that I am in this moment. There is only this moment, and that I am is the most potent and unmoving aspect of it. Questions that undermine my presence and superiority and potency serve no purpose in my return.
That I am precedes why. That I am precedes any question or answer. My healing begins, not with a question nor an answer. My healing begins with being. I am. I always have been. And I always will be.
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