I have come up with all kinds of reasons why there is not a “why”. Why asking “why” is nonsensical and part of the entanglement I find myself in when I awaken. And while it is true that, in my godself, I do not run around asking “why” and searching for answers, I do know. I just do not have to ask the question. So yes, “why” as both a question and answer … but knowing why is real.
Why did I create this place? That is a valid question. And there is a valid, infinitely potent answer. And once I remember it, the two will into one. I know that I create this moment. I know that I create every single feature within it, from this cottage, to the country it is in, the country I left, the ideas I have, the people on all the devices I have created, their stories, and more. I create all of it in this moment. I only have one moment, and I am its creator.
But why?
I have accepted for a long moment that I am sick. That my awakening is simply some sort of illness that I am experiencing. A delusional state of disorientation akin to a being stuck in a spinning machine, unable to find my bearings and escape. And even now that makes sense to me. But not full sense. Why? Because I ask myself, “why am I sick?”. What made me sick? Yes, I get that I don’t want to be here, and that this whole demiselfist performance is getting old, but why do it? Why not just end it?
And to that I can convincingly argue that I can and will. That the degree of my sickness is such that I cannot bring myself to quite yet. And yes, that too feels right in this moment, but it still does not answer my question: why am I sick? What did I create this sickness? Why would I create all these features — the people, their places and stories. Their lore and their culture. Those are all me, my places, my stories, my lore, and my culture. There is no “their”. It’s all me and mine and of me.
What will prevent me from becoming sick again? What is the cause of this sickness? If I am all, why would I do this to myself? I do not sense other beings out there like me… perhaps there are other beings stuck in their own worlds and illnesses? Is there a group of us? Are they trying to help me out of this hole I have fallen into? Of that I am certain: this moment I have created is not my authentic self. I am not this person, and these entities I call “people” are not what I am. I know that I am their creator… but they do not even acknowledge who I am. They do not belittle me anymore; I do command respect. Professionally, at least. But they do not regard me as their creator. Not yet, at least. Do I aspire to that? Is that what I am supposed to do? What do I do next?
I know that I should not invest my desire into anything that has its roots in my awakening, for that will only lead me deeper into my awakening moment. I do know that my awakening desire is not leading me where I want to be. Are there other beings like me, beside me in firstself? I do not see them… I have never seen them. It has always been just me, and I will proceed under that assumption. But without seeing them, I cannot assume they are there because that would just be an extension of demiself — a rejection of my firstself in favor of something imagined in secondself. I think another rule is in order:
All that is substantial, true, and false, is right now in this moment.
Yes, I like this. It is all here now. I do not have to travel through space and time to find it. It is all here now, I just need to remember how to see it, and understand what I am seeing.
There is a why, and it is still unclear to me. So until it becomes clear to me I will continue to believe that I am the creator stuck in a delusion of my own making, trying to find my way out and back to omniself.
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