Many times in my awakening I have openly and loudly opined on political, social, or philosophical subjects in groups. And every time I come away feeling depleted and regretful, ashamed of my lack of self-control as if I had just over-eaten. Shame, embarrassment, rehearsing every utterance I had made and imagining how absurd, aggressive, or antisocial I must have come off. But now I know that is not the reason why.
My feelings of anxiety and shame do not arise out of embarrassment over anything I said, or any social etiquette I flouted. But rather, they arise from my inauthenticity. I do not really hold these beliefs and ideas, and am wearing them like a mask. It is not that I truly hold contrary views to those I expressed, but rather I do not need to hold any such views at all. I am the creator of this entire awakening experience, and there is nothing within it that warrants a reaction from me. It would be like the author of a fantasy world getting into a passionate discussion with his characters about the political or social issues of the world he has himself only just created. Even if he had forgotten that he himself was the author, and these ideas he was debating were only imaginary, that truth would be buried within him and conflict with his behavior.
I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by my behavior as perceived by the people around me. In these situations I am conflicted because I am acting impotently. Opining into thirdself is a form of untruth; it is participating in a fantasy reality.
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