The one thing that always differentiated me from all other “people” was the amount I wanted. I wanted more than anyone else. I remember trying to express how badly I wanted something; it was a terribly strong desire and it could break through the surface at a moment’s notice. I did not know how to express what exactly I wanted, only that I did want it. So I was always on a quest for the object I searched for, and when I’d find something that might fit the profile of the desired object, I’d add it to my ever-growing list of desires.
I clung to this collection of individual things and achievements that would supposedly satisfy this deep desire I harbored. Dreams, fantasies, I might say. Since I did not know what I truly wanted, I instead built my ideas around the desirable things that the people of the world wanted: success, wealth, freedom. Money. I wanted wealth because that would give me the thing I wanted so badly in the core of my being.
I built up great narratives in my head of how I was going to achieve it all, and at least early on, I shared with all who would listen. I imagine the arch of my conversation might have started out mutually engaging, but always ended somehow with me articulating my great desires, my plans to satisfy them, and what that would look like. Of course I was aware of the absurdity and self-centeredness of this type of conversation, so I was probably subtle toward the end of that period of my life. I’m sure I’d cringe watching myself.
Now I know that there is nothing worldly about what I desire. There is nothing in my awakening that can give me what I seek. No person or relationship. No experience or achievement. No object or possession. For what I truly desire is not out here in this secondplace I awaken into. What I have always desired is to not be here; to remain in the place I am before I awaken. To escape this roller-coaster ride before it departs the station and stay where I am at peace. Where I am free. Where I am not constrained to this pretend body in this imaginary world of pain and conflict.
Everything I want I have before I wake up. In truth, wanting itself is an artifact of my awakening; it is the residue of having everything before I awaken here. My desire is my connection to myself in the firstplace. My desire leads only to the one thing I want: Home, where I am. To Me. It leads back, not forward, to the place I fall from when I come here. My desire is always within and behind me because that is what I seek. My desire is a great umbilical cord that will guide me Home where I am whole and free. I always wanted so much because I knew that something was wrong; that something here in this place I awaken into was missing. I was right: nothing I want is here. Everything I want is in the firstplace.
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