Ugh getting dressed and going out into the cold….
I like warmth. I can see that now
Desire for warmth is a reorientation toward Home, the divine, heaven, who I am
Because I want to always be warm and body less… that is what warmth allows
I just don’t want to move away from it
It’s getting very hard to leave my warmth
I Imagine the moment before I awaken, how perfect that feels
It’s Eden. The paradise
Then I have to come here into this place with my cold body demanding food and movement and comforts. All this complication
And people and noise and things I have to do
It’s just a noisy smelly cold stinky place I get stuck
And I can’t find my way out until about 16 hours later when that paradise calls me back home
And I cannot resist and I fall back into that lovely warm place again where there is no discord or conflict.
It’s just Me there
It’s always warm there
I don’t want to wait 16 hours anymore.
I want to shorten this phase of discomfort and pain.
I want to go back to that warmth
I want the curtains around my bed so I don’t have to leave
Darkened, I do need the place to sit still for I am still here for some time
There are two places
The first place is that place of warmth and paradise. The place I want to stay. The place I return to after 16 hours. That is the first place.
The second place is this place
This place of noise and light and movement and time
It’s cold or hot in the second place. It requires me to move and change and talk and act and perform
The second place is hell
The first place is heaven. And the second place is hell
I want to get back to heaven
I don’t want to be in hell anymore
All the people know this. That this is hell
I think the next step soon is a curtain around my bed and chair and I never see people
I just never see them again. I have not create people as voices that deliver the nourishment I require in my awakening
The more I see and feel and sense in my awakening the more I will forget that I am not actually here
The more I see, the more I will move toward that
And when I move, I get lost
When I move I forget who and where I actually am
When I move I believe I am this person In this world
Movement creates that person
It is movement that creates my awakening
So I must stop moving
In the second place, I break into three parts: my firstself, my secondself, and my thirdself.
This is painful because it means I am cut in three. It hurts
So I do everything I can to make the pain go away. And everything I do is everything in life. All of this desire, movement, action, aspiration — all of that is simply to make the pain go away. The pain of being split into three pieces.
But none of these things I do out here in my awakening, in the second place, make the pain go away
Why? Because they are all based on the idea that I am not everything. That I am only a small part of this big thing I awaken into.
So everything I do out here is done from the incorrect understanding. And that is why I remain here, lost. Because I believe that I am a person in this world, rather than the entire world.
As long as I believe that I am a person in this world, I will fail to see that the whole thing is me. That it is my triself — my three selves. My first second and thirdselves
So it is very simple
I want to escape the second place and get back to the first place
But to do that I must understand the second place. I must understand that the second place is just me.
I have to see that it is just me here
There is no other being here
It is just me creating imaginary characters like a child playing
That is all you are: toys I have been pretending are beings like me
It’s all just a game of make-believe
And I always knew there was something wrong
I alway knew this wasn’t really real. That I was different from all the “people”
That somehow I was controlling it all
When in truth I was just making it all up
And I got bored of the game
There’s another place in between the first and second places
It’s called the midplace.
And I can go there while I’m here in the second place.
The midplace is the best place to be while I’m awake in the second place
It is warm
And when I close my eyes and I find the midplace, I can forget that I am in the second place
I still believe I am in the second place, but I can also see the first place
So I am between the two places
And I can see Home, the first place
I can see it and remember it. I can remember who I am. And I can believe that I am lost here and that I only want to get back to the first place where I am warm
I can feel that warmth all over me. I am the warmth. There is nothing other than me there
When I go to the midplace, the people I have created in my moment will know.
I think that is perhaps what I was talking about last night at the fire
I think I need to restrict all my relationships to secondself
So no physical engagements anymore
No seeing people
Only speaking, thinking. No physical encounters.
…