Many years ago I imagined myself not speaking in order to achieve some spiritual objective. Back then I imagined that every word I uttered somehow created conflict, and to end that conflict I must thus resist by not speaking. It made sense, and still makes sense. However, it was also simplistic and said without real conviction. I still desired many things from the world (i.e., my thirdself), and since speech would be essential to achieve those things, my lack of conviction undermined my resolve to actually “stop speaking”.
Now I understand the path ahead of me better, I can more concisely explain why I must stop speaking. My goal is to return to my firstself, and to not awaken into secondself and thirdself. I understand that my awakening is a painful wound, an illness. I also understand that I must treat my wound in the same manner I would treat any wound. With that clarity of understanding comes a stronger conviction, reinforcing my resolve. While yes, my speaking does create conflict, it goes far beyond that. I do not just create conflict when I speak, I create everything with my speaking, especially the pain I experience upon awakening. And since I want that pain to end, and I understand the role my speaking plays in perpetuating it,
Speaking in the second place (i.e., my awakening, which I experience as my secondself and thirdself) is inherently impotent. The most potent truth I can express is “I am”, yet virtually anything I might speak while I am performing personhood is a denuded version of “I am”, called an “iamnot”. Anything I can speak or think beyond “I am” will reduce “I am”; it will chip away at it by introducing “other” and things that I am not. My speaking and expression is a collection of “iamnots” and is the source of my demiself.
Once I realize, understand, and believe that speaking beyond the phrase “I am” is impotent and the source of all my pain in awakening, I will begin to reduce my speaking. Conviction is the real key because my desire to heal must outweigh my desire for the imaginary secondself and thirdself treasures of the second place. Speaking is a part of my performative personhood; of the author pretending to be a character in a book he wrote himself. Speaking hurts because it is false; it is a lie. I am everything, the totality of existence, and any speech or expression that reduces this truth is self-butchery.
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