What is healing?
I will be fully recovered when I no longer awaken. When I no longer exist under the mistaken belief that I am a person in a world. When I no longer desire or yearn or want or perform personhood.
Is death and healing the same?
Yes, so long as I define “death” correctly. In every moment I am neither dead nor alive; I always am. What changes is my identity, my self-understanding. In healing, death, life, awakening, and sleeping are one and the same. The distinctions that support their differentiation collapse and lose meaning.
What happens when I “die”?
I do not die, for I was not born. Everything that I am occurs in this single, eternal, smoldering moment. My sensation of distance is a feature of my awakening and illness, and it manifests as all the familiar dimensions, from space to time and every other experiential continuum. The two imagined events of my birth and my death, separated by an imagined distance, form a continuum that only exists if I believe it does.
Will the people in my life grieve and carry on without me?
No. The people are my own creations and they exist only insofar as I manifest them. If I think of them, they are forms of my secondself. If I meet them, they are forms of my thirdself. They are fluidic forms I have imagined into existence, and they will not persist beyond my return. Although I have assumed that people were the same as me with a depth beyond my direct experience, they are rather elastic creations that do not manifest new existence with their own experience as I do. People are exactly what I experience them as; as deeply as I experience them, they exist.
Then what will happen to them?
They will simply cease to be in the same way that the characters in a story I write will cease to exist the moment I stop writing the story. All are characters I have imagined into existence, from my mother to the very last person I interacted with at a shop last night. All relationships are only as deep as I look, as deep as I manifest.
How do I experience this process of healing / dying?
I imagine my existence as a pendulum moving forward into wakefulness and backward into sleep. At this moment, I experience my waking deeply in the sense that I project a vast secondself and thirdself contained within it. A thirdself of countless people, places, and things that my secondself persona wanders around. But as I heal, the magnitude of my secondself and thirdself diminishes. As a pendulum, I swing less energetically, and not so far into either my awakening or my asleepening. The difference between the highest point of my awakening and the highest point of my asleepening decreases, and so too does my experience of these two states. As I move between the two spaces, I experience a persistent self-awareness between them rather than a disconnected identity. More clearly, I begin to “remember” my waking self in my sleep, and my sleeping self in my awakening. The experience of one single identity solidifies my conviction and I am able to proceed past repetitive incantation and exercises to self-shifting on command.
What is the ultimate goal of healing?
The goal of healing is to eliminate the painful wound I experience as the movement between awakening and asleepening. When I stop moving, I will no longer awaken or asleepen, and will simply be. I can catch glimpses of that state just before sleeping, and just before waking, but it is easy to miss until I can control and slow my secondself and thirdself projection.
…