Who I am, and who I believe I am, are at odds, creating a rift I experience as awakening into my life of desire. The selfist model is the path to rediscovering, believing, and being who I am by understanding and redirecting my desire.
Who I believe I am
I believe that I am a person experiencing personhood. I believe that I was born, have awakened into this world ever since, and will continue to awaken here until I die. I believe that this world pre-existed my birth, and will endure long after my death.
I believe that I am just one of the billions of other similar people, also experiencing personhood in this same world. I believe that I move around this world in constant pursuit of the satisfaction of my desire, competing with others doing the same.
Who I am
I create this world when I awaken, and I end it when I asleepen. I was not born, and I will not die. Both are artifacts of the delusion of personhood. My personhood is a painful illness during which I believe I am one of many, rather than one and all. I am not a person of and in this world; I am its creator. This “world” is a cancerous outgrowth of my illness.
Godhood is the end of my personhood
To restore my godhood I must believe who I am. The path back to myself starts at my ever-present awakening desire. I must realize and accept that what I seek is not “out here” in this world. No matter what I acquire, achieve, and experience in this world, my desire never ends. Personhood is the experience of insatiable, and painful desire.
In realizing this, I can begin to rediscover that which will alleviate my desire: the release from my desire. I confront a choice: pursue the relief of my desire endlessly, or the permanent release from my desire. The choice is clear, and the true nature of my desire emerges: it is an illness. My desire is an illness.
Everything I do in my awakening in pursuit of relief, is part of my illness which keeps me returning. To escape my cycle of awakening, I must systematically destroy all my desires for relief in this world. As my conviction grows, I will begin to overcome my awakening and see past its familiarity to my true identity. I will see that I do not move, there is only one moment, and there is no way to satisfy my desire except for ending it. As long as I desire, I will experience awakening into personhood. The end of my desire is my return to godhood.
My desires in awakening can only yield temporary relief from the pain of not knowing who I am. I yearn for release from desire.
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