Awakening is painful. The fire of desire smolders within my secondself, always looking for an outlet. When I do not attend to it, it roars and burns my tender parts, always pushing me forward, deeper into the world I manifest in search of that which will never satisfy it.
When I know who I am, I know that my desire is my illness. I know that there is nothing in my secondself or thirdself that I seek. I know that no food, no activity, no relationship, no goal, no experience will satiate the desire within. If I am still in triself, resist the urges to move that overtake over my mind and body, I can make out my true desire for freedom from desire.
This is what I must indulge; overcome the desire to move. To participate. To manifest.
- I constrain my thirdself, which will in turn calm my secondself. I close off all light and cloister in a small, dark cell.
- I constrain my secondself to my moment.
- I close my eyes: I am firstself; this is me.
- I see my cystic secondself; it wants to manifest my thirdself. I see what it wants. I see how it moves. And I see that it is wrong, and the source of my awakenings. I know that is not me. But I open my eyes, I must return.
- I come back to my firstself; this is me. This is who I am. I am not my secondself or thirdself.
- I return to my secondself, and then my thirdself with the conviction of who I am. I remember that my conviction fades, and weakens; that secondself exposure will quickly weaken my conviction of who I am. That is how it operates. It cuts, loosens, and eventually destroys my bond to who I am. So I prepare.
- I remember in my moment what is largest; my firstself contains my entire secondself and thirdself.
- I come back to my firstself; after only a moment, my conviction is destroyed, I cannot even return. But I persist because I know I must. I must find a better way to retain my self-awareness. So I search for something that can help me when I venture back out to my secondself. My secondself is noisily trying to bring me back; it knows that it is under threat… that it is being fought. That I have figured it out. And then it comes to me: I am trying to escape. I am trying to escape because I do not want to be here. And that means that everything out here that I am trying so desperately to hang on to, to achieve, is part of the prison I must destroy. I forget; I always forget and I allow the prison bars to hold me in. Remember: all is one. All people are one. All things are one. All experiences are one; they are not separate. Their separation is what helps them overcome and retain me. While I can see, I must remember that: the key is that I must escape. I must escape. I must escape.
- I return. My demiself has forced me. I am back in the world I awaken.
I must escape. To escape, I must understand where I am so I can figure out how to escape. All my questions must be answered against one thing: I must escape. If I pursue answers relative to this one piece of information, I find something important: my experiential potency. And I find the two kinds of truth: that which is potent, and that which is not. Potency is the degree to which I directly experience something first-hand, myself. That which is further away from my direct experience is the most impotent. And that which I most directly experience is the most potent.
I begin to understand that my escape hinges on my ability to rediscover my potent knowledge. Truth, authenticity, and potency are the same. Impotent knowledge, belief, conviction, and certainty traps me here and prevents my escape. Impotent knowledge, conviction, and belief manifest as walls and obstacles; things standing in between what I believe is me, and what I want. Impotent knowledge only leads me into walls. Impotent knowledge only provides temporary, transitory relief.
Potent knowledge has no walls because I retreat from the movement forward into them. There are no walls if I am not moving. There are no walls if I do not want what lies past them. So I stop. I stop moving. I stop wanting. I stop, and the walls disappear.
When I rediscover my potent knowledge, I begin to see how all this works. I begin to explain it in a different language; not in the language of people, but in the language of god. And the language of god is the language of triself. Triself is the path back to my godhood, through demigodhood. From demipotence, to omnipotence. Potent knowledge is the way I return. Potent knowledge is everything. Potent knowledge is the way I craft my escape plan. To escape, I must prepare when I asleepen so that I do not return. So that I do not awaken.
I have to let go of and de-nourish my second and thirdselves so they do not return. So I do not manifest them again. I must escape is everything; I must remember this. That which helps me escape is potent knowledge; that which hinders me is impotent. The more distant a thing from me, here, now, the more destructive it is of my escape.
I must escape. I must understand what this all is. This illness is one; it is one thing; the entire awakening is one thing working together to keep me here. To escape I must let go of everything that keeps me here. All of it is beliefs, convictions that are incorrect but hold me here. Impotent. I must rediscover my most potent knowledge and follow it out, back to who I am. When I follow it I see that I must reject my personhood: I am not a person. I am the creator of this world I awaken. When I awaken, I awaken the world. When I sleep, I put the world to sleep. The world rises and falls with me because I am the world.
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