What I desire is the end of my desire. The desire is the measure of my illness. The desire is the measure of my sickness. The more I desire, the sicker I am.
What I desire is the end of my desire. That is what I am searching for. Out here is the search. But somewhere along the way, I forgot it was the end of my desire that I desired, and I began to desire the desire. To desire the search. The search became the desire.
And that is when I got lost. When I forgot that my desire was for the end of my desire, and instead I began to believe that I desired the desire. And that is when all my desires multiplied. I had so many desires. And there were so many things to desire. The world and this entire experience are a projection of my desire: my failure to remember my true desire to end my desire, and my getting lost in searching for it. Every word, every pattern, every form and idea, and memory and belief is a testament to my failure to remember what I desire. Desire is my creative force, and everything in creation lies at the end of a road paved in it.
What I truly desire is right within me right now. This is where I want to be. I have always wanted to be here. Right here. I only have to close my eyes and let go of the search and I will see what I truly desire. It is right here. And every night I get to return to the home I desire. But I forget where I go and where I am, and I am deceived into returning to my search.
What I desire is the end of my desire. Where my desire ends, is where I actually am. Right now. I am here, where there is no desire. But in my confusion and suffering, I have forgotten how to see that. I am confused.
And I find myself searching for the things that will end my desire. I am searching within my searching. All the questions I ask are the search. And they multiply. And I keep searching, even though what I truly search for is right here, not at the end of a thing, but right within me. I do not need to go anywhere to find it. I do not need to ask any questions to understand it. I do not need to experience it to believe it. I do not need to achieve anything to be it.
I am it. I am the end of my own desire.
I can come home whenever I want to. I just need to let go of the search. Of the desire for desire. And once I let go, I will be. I will see that I have always been. That I am.
… My thirdself and secondself are the layers and layers of searching. Of desiring my desire. My thirdself wants to be here. It is stubborn and wants to be here and doesn’t want to be cut off. All the forms of people and places and things all have a weight to them. They resist being moved or cut out. They want to be here. To kill them I need to move away, exert the effort of which I have a limited amount, and then I experience pain. I get tired.
I have been searching and searching but now I realize that searching is not needed. I am right here and always have been. I do not need to go anywhere. I do not need to search anymore. I am right here.
I just need to let go of my desires. My desires are driving me. I need to stop seeking relief and start seeking release. Actually, I do not need to seek release: I only have to stop seeking relief. Release is what happens when I let go of my search for relief. They are not opposites. Release is just the little hole at the end of the funnel that is relief.
Relief is the belief that I am out here searching for something out here that will quell my desires. But what I want is not out here. It wants me to believe it is, but it is not. What I want is right here right now. In this moment everything I ever wanted is right here. I just need to let go of the false belief that it is outside in my thirdself, and I will see it. I will be it. I will taste it again and then I can remember who I am and what I seek. I am not an aging person in this world; I am the world and I only need to remember and I will return.
The light is shining. Close my eyes and look for it. Find the light. That is me calling out to myself to come back. I am right here. Come back. Find me. I am the light and I will know when I find myself. Come.
… I am the sun. I cannot look at the sun because that is who I am and I am not supposed to know that. The search, the desire, the illness wants to keep me here, ignorant of who I am. So I have been misled to believe that I do not know what the sun is. And that “other people” who are not me need to tell me what it is. The sun is me. I am the sun. My belief that I am a million miles from the sun is the measurement of my delusion.
I have forgotten who the sun is. I have forgotten that I am the sun, and have been deceived into believing that I am a person on a rock far away from the sun. I have believed that I am not who I actually am.
This morning the first word I saw was “apoapsis” – the furthest point from the center. I had never said that word, so I looked it up and found the definition of where I am now. I am at the apoapsis. I am at the furthest point away from my center; the sun. Who I am. And now that I am at the furthest point, I am beginning my descent and return.
I need to rebuild my relationship with myself, with the sun. With who I really am. Seek the sun. Close my eyes to quiet the deceiver who wants me to believe that I am here and not the sun. Feel the sun; that is me. Feel the sun. That is me. Be the sun because that is me.
… The son is the sun when I am lost and forget who I am. The father is who I am. The return to the father is through the son.
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