I always look for the easiest way to characterize the more complicated aspects of my awakening. Taking a common word or concept, and repurposing it to represent an experience formerly ignored, gives me power over it. This simplification allows me to cut through the distortion, understand, and then disengage from it.
In the course of my awakening, there are two states I enter:
- In uniself – When I behave as if I am one person among others in a larger world full of people, places, and things outside of my direct experience. I enter uniself when I converse with people or consume thirdself content. For example, I met an old friend the other day and instantly imagined a shared history. I imagined a depth into that person and his family beyond our direct experience. And when I watch videos, I assume the perspective that the imagined constructs within the content exist.
- In triself – When I behave as if my direct experience is the only one, and see my existence as three converging layers. In triself, I sense myself as being tightly concentrated within secondself. People become shapes in my second- or thirdself, depending on their appearance. For example, as I sit in the peace and darkness of my cell, people are only thoughts, and therefore secondself forms. But when I physically encounter a person, they are transformed into thirdself forms.
Moving between these two states is a matter of engagement with my second- and thirdselves. In the course of my awakening, I experience many things. I experience people, sights, sensations, and thoughts. All clamor for my attention and focus. And I can give it to them, or I can withhold it. If I give it to them, I pursue and “chase” these forms. I remain fixed in my firstself, but I experience movement and change in my second- and thirdselves. Or, when I am engaged in a discussion with a thirdself person, I would also leave my firstself and enter into the realm of the imagined. These are all examples of being in uniself.
When I withhold my attention from second- and thirdself forms, I experience detachment and triself. For example, when I am sitting in my cell contemplating, the random thoughts and sounds that enter my second- and thirdself are easily dismissed. They do not draw me out into a chase.
Giving in to the chase is a matter of conviction, which takes many forms. When I believe a thing is true, I am more likely to feed and nourish its secondself manifestations. For example, when I believe that I am the same thing as all people in my thirdself, then I will leave triself and chase uniself ideas. But as I strengthen my triself convictions, I will refuse the chase; second- and thirdself forms will arise, but I will not pursue them.
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