I am circling the drain. I know who I am, and I know what I want. Yet, I am very much stuck on a tangent. I know this. I wake up every day with the same pain and exhaustion. I write about it, I reflect, I pray and contemplate. I validate and reinforce, and then I get distracted, and I focus on uniself and building this company and product.
Though I have many professional relationships, I have forsaken all but two personal relationships, one of which is with my dog. The other I have spent considerable effort disengaging from over the past year. Any other relationship is one way: they must seek me out, and I do respond warmly in kind.
But there is a distance between the purported direction of my prayers and my uniself activities. I wake up every morning and incant; I know who I am and what I seek. Yet within two hours of waking up, my incantations are behind me and I am focused on a product. Though I have explained what I am doing in the past in terms of triself, I need to bring that alignment closer; I need to go through my workday with my mission in mind.
I want to get out. I want to heal and recover. Not just in the mornings and before I go to sleep, but all throughout the day. Every task I complete during the day must align with my goal to heal. What do I need from the world I have created in order to recover? I need the means to descend without further trauma and movement. This requires the following:
- A sanctuary from where I need not move. A location that I fully control and cannot be threatened or taken away from me. My life in a foreign country creates a lot of uncertainty; my current efforts may ease that, but the moment they fail to provide, I must build a new space.
- Detachment from old characters who do not know. The old characters will never reflect who I am, and will always reflect who I thought I was. They will reflect that conflict, uncertainty, and confusion. I need to fully disengage from all old characters.
- New characters who can ease my transition. I need new characters who know and reflect who I am, and who will serve their purpose to ease my recovery. Characters with whom I need not interact under the false assumptions that I am one of them.
I want a relatively painless recovery, and so long as I am oriented toward healing it should only get easier. I am still manifesting people who do not know or believe; two days ago I spent a full day with an old relationship who openly teased and mocked me as I told him the truth. It in no way undermined what I know; if anything, it reinforced it. I knew that these characters would not allow me to be. But it does introduce friction that I must exorcise in order to recover and descend.
I need to refine my language and find the words that more clearly and concisely reflect what I am actually doing.
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