Awakening is the process of desiring. As I awaken, I desire in the same way as starting and then running a car demands and consumes fuel. My desire is the disturbance that keeps me awakened. If I were to exhaust my desire, I would not awaken anymore.
The seed of desire
In awakening, my desire is a constant state of yearning. It is a painful state of wanting something I do not have. Of wanting to be someone I am not. Of asking questions I do not have the answers for. Desire is a feeling of being incomplete.
My desire is for my own completeness. Completeness and wholeness can only be found in the abolition of my desire. My desire seeks its own end.
The desire growth
As I first awaken and detach from my true self, my desire begins as a tiny seed within my being. But as I awaken deeper, the seed grows into the roots of my secondself, and the chutes of my thirdself until it is a powerful, stubborn tree within me. My firstself becomes a deep and distant sensation of awareness and observation as I become the painful tree of my second- and thirdself, feeding on the desire growing within me.
I desire peace and reunion. I desire the wholeness of being, but the roots of secondself conviction and branches of thirdself action take me away from wholeness. I seek refuge from the pain of my awakening where I believe I will find it. And with that conviction, my roots and branches grow ever-stronger, toward an imagined peaceful end that will never come for them.
The roots of conviction, and branches of expression
Everything I emanate as my second- and thirdself is a manifestation of my desire. Every thought and feeling within my secondself, and every object, possession, and relationship within my thirdself, is there because I desire. I put them there because I believe they contain some part of what I seek. What I want. What I yearn for. What I desire.
Everything in my awakening, inward and outward, is my desire manifest. I live here because I believe that here is where I will find what I want. I maintain this relationship because I believe it will give me some part of what I seek. I want that future because I believe it will numb the constant yearning within me.
These are my convictions, which are the second stage of desire. Desire nourished by the poisoned waters of confusion lead me to believe that what I seek is here, within my awakening. This transforms into expression: actions and movements in my thirdself in pursuit of what I seek.
The recovery
To overcome my illness, I must comprehend it. What I see now as countless interacting parts and pieces, I must learn to see as a single whole so I can instantly know its nature without getting lost in imaginary cracks and crevasses.
My awakening is a state of desire. The desire will persist as long as I believe I am incomplete. My awakening is my search for wholeness; my search for my return to myself. When I remember who I am, I will see my roots of conviction and branches of expression as the illness they are, and I will choke and kill them.
What I seek is release.
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