My illness begins with awakening. In this process of awakening, I transition from the firstself-awareness of my asleepening (aka “sleep”) to the second- and thirdself awareness of my awakening. This transition is the inflection point, where my true desire for release is supplanted by my false desire for relief.
An awakening spent focused on my secondself desires for pleasure, distraction, creativity, and achievement is an awakening in pain. To descend, I must extend my firstself-awareness deeper into my awakening. Like medicine, the deeper I inject it, the more I can heal. I can measure my progress in descent by the degree to which my firstself-awareness persists and infuses into my awakening.
How do I experience firstself-awareness?
I experience firstself awareness as a calm, timeless centering. I feel present deep within myself despite observing an outside environment. I achieve firstself-awareness in awakening through contemplative incantation: notably, by writing. In writing, I remember who I am and therefore can preserve my desire for permanent release.
I am presently able to press my firstself-awareness through to late morning, well into the point at which I begin to reorient toward my thirdself. There is even a first- and thirdself overlap for some period of time. But then my thirdself desires eventually overcome and extinguish my firstself-awareness as I start to desire relief in food, distraction, and other types of movement.
What is the goal?
The goal is to extend my firstself-awareness throughout the duration of my awakening; from the moment I rise, to the moment I fall. This forms a bridge of firstself-awareness that allows me to pass through my awakenings fully cognizant of who I am, warding off the reorientation toward my thirdself.
The longer my firstself-awareness persists, the further along my descent I am.
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