The desire constant is the fact that, in my awakenings, every moment I experience a fluctuating and variable sense of desire. How I experience this desire depends on my state of awareness, of which I have three:
Thirdself-centered awareness. My awareness extends and emanates inward and outward to imagined extents. I think of myself as an individual in a much larger world, and focus on long lists of worldly plans and goals. I build and nurture outer relationships. When I close my eyes, my mind races with thoughts, ideas, impressions of an imagined past or future, and other thirdself-based matters.
Secondself-centered awareness. My awareness is primarily focused around my own inner and outer body. I imagine myself as a person in the world, but focus on my own personal mental and physical development. I still think of myself in terms of the outer world. When I close my eyes, my awareness is intensely focused on the phantom sensation of my own physical body. I can sense a space outside of my area of concentration, but disregard that.
Firstself-centered awareness. My awareness is constrained to the timeless, spaceless, desire-free point of awareness I sense in my head and behind my eyes. I disengage from my inner secondself and outer thirdself, and experience the sensation of floating. When I close my eyes, I do not feel concentrated “within” my body; I am not a point of awareness looking inward or outward. Instead, I am omnipresent, and my awareness extends in all directions, and none, without boundary. I can see the outlines of my true Being, and my second- and thirdselves as the cyst they are.
When I am secondself- or thirdself-focused, my desire expresses itself as a yearning for something I do not have. Thirdself-centered, I want wealth, status, achievement, recognition, or experience. Secondself-centered, I want personal achievement or transformation. All second- and thirdself desires share one thing: my not having something. What I desire is trapped in an imagined future I must somehow move toward in order to capture.
When I am firstself-focused, I am aware that my desire seeks its own dissolution. My desire is not for something, but absent everything. My desire is not for anything from my third- or secondselves; it is not for wealth, health, or worldly or bodily pleasures. My desire wants only to return to the place it awakened from, and where it will asleepen to. My desire is for no desire at all.
When I am second- and thirdself-focused, I forget that my desire seeks its own end. I forget I am Home, and become fixated on a dark forest I imagine. This constant search for the ends of my desire is the fuel that keeps me awakening, moving, and manifesting this experience I call life. Recovery begins when I disengage from my second- and thirdselves and desiring something I do not have. My one desire is to not desire.
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