Before descent, I was lost without realizing it. I always knew I was missing something, but I suppressed that and focused on overcoming the challenges of the world I found myself in.
I woke up every day and continued what I had started in days before. I spent my time searching for various types of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional relief. Relief came, but always gave way to unease, discomfort, desire, and pain, and the cycle would start all over again.
I was always searching, and I believed I would find it in this world I woke up into every day. But what I found failed to provide what I sought, and my desires grew into a painful cancer. I wanted so much from the world I feared it did not have enough to satisfy me.
The fear of not getting what I wanted hurt, and I asked myself the unthinkable: what if the world did not have what I wanted? What if the place I wanted to go, the experience I wanted to have, the person I wanted to be, the thing I wanted to possess, was not out here?
As painful as it was, it was the right question. I know that desire does not exist without the means for its satisfaction. And though I could not explain it, I knew that my desire merely sought its own abolition. If the world did not have what I wanted, then perhaps I did not want the world.
So I began the process of letting go of the world. In time, I realized that I created this place I awakened into. I had forgotten that I was the author of this book, and had gotten lost in the plot. I had believed the characters and places were real, when in fact they were merely shapes from my own imagination.
I am not roaming around a world I have awakened into; I am experiencing a world I have created by awakening. I am the creator of this world. It is Me who opens the eyes which sees the world. I am the fixed, timeless source from which everything inside and out emanates. Without Me, there is no world. I create it all when I awaken, and destroy it all when I asleepen.
My desire emerges as I awaken, fragments into countless movements seeking relief, and then coalesces again as I return to sleep. My desire is the pain of ignoring my first and last desire for peace. My desire is to return to sleep, where I am peace.
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