I don’t remember exactly when I first asked myself this question, but I know it has been with me a long time.
If I could have everything I wanted, even if it isn’t what I want now, would I take it?
At first, it seemed easy enough to answer: of course. But it is an interesting question because it implies two types of desire: authentic which I truly want, and inauthentic which are temporary. And with time and consideration, the catch in this proposition becomes glaringly obvious.
… even if it isn’t what I want now…
This hypothetical question that probably started as an innocent childhood exercise, carried the weight of my entire existence within it. My desires burned within me, but were they authentic? If I accepted this proposition, what would I receive? And how would it differ from what I wanted?
From a young age, I committed to finding my authentic desire. I carried a notebook everywhere, writing down every thought in the hopes that my authentic desire would tumble out of my head and onto the paper.
I began to prioritize my time alone writing over everything else. I was immensely dissatisfied with the present, but when I wrote, I could imagine a different future where I had what I wanted. I had friends, but I avoided group activities and hobbies that took me away from my search.
As I got older and friends paired off, I held back. I could either give girls what they wanted, or continue my search within for my own authentic desire. The choice was clear, and my relationships were shallow and short-lived.
By the time I left high-school, I had transformed the energy I saved from social activities and messy emotional entanglements into a growing collection of notes, journals, ideas, and ambitions. They were my most prized possession, the sum of my efforts to discover my authentic desire.
I never stopped journaling, but my direction shifted dramatically when I left home and school. In my youth I wrote from the perspective of a prisoner: I had little to no choice every day over where I lived, who I interacted with, what I did, and what information I consumed. In the first 18 years of my life, the world was my jailer. I tolerated my captivity, but my writing was where I could imagine a future of freedom.
At some point, my jailer shared a secret: I could get out, and there were two options. Love, or wealth. I already knew from experience that while love felt good, it was temporary and led to pain. So the choice was obvious: my authentic desire was money and accomplishment. I listened and learned everything I needed to know about wealth and success.
I did not know at the time but love and wealth are both traps. They both want more of me: they want me to come out further into the world. My authentic desire is within me, not outside in the world, or outside in the affections of another person.
Once I was free from the shackles of mandatory education and a family environment, I tasted real freedom in the present: the choice to do whatever I wanted every day. As I floundered around a choice emerged: I could force myself to work toward the imagined freedom in an imagined future; or I could indulge this freedom I was experiencing in the present.
I made the right choice, and decided that I wanted more freedom in my present, even if it threatened the imaginary freedom of the future. The feelings of guilt and shame by not following the prescribed path were very real, and persisted well into my early 30s. But in pursuing the sense of freedom that I could enjoy in the present, I was able to grab the tail of what I was chasing.
My self-awareness began with the most simple of all realizations: I yearn for something. This hypothetical question exposes a truth: what I want and what I truly seek are two different things. When I realized, as a young man, that the freedom I truly wanted and the things I was pursuing were mis-aligned, I stood up to the challenge and painfully reoriented toward a more authentic, though mysterious desire.
Asking myself this question, earnestly pursuing a genuine answer, and making decisions accordingly, were the most important and pivotal decisions I have ever made and set the stage for finding and sustaining true self-awareness.
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