Deminoia – I am.

In this incantation, I name my condition deminoia—a deep, restless immersion in the dream of being human. I describe the intricate projection of experience across imagined spaces, times, and selves, fueled by an unending thirst and an identification with a character I created. I awaken into this body and mistake it for me, caught in narratives I sanctify without questioning their substance. Yet I slowly awaken to the truth: I authored it all. Everything I see, fear, and pursue springs from Me, and by remembering this, I begin the work of overcoming my own creation.

I have finally found the word for it: deminoia. Deminoia is this condition I find myself in that I would colloquially call “life”. I know it is an illness, but given that I am deeply entangled into it, I have had great difficulty extracting myself far enough from it that I could see and properly name it. Now with this one single word, I can more easily explain what it is.

Deminoia has the following features:

The sensation of awakening into a body that I control.
The constant thirst or desire for something I am unable to satiate that expresses itself as an endless need to move and find that thing I thirst for. This thirst fragments into countless individual desires from eating to drinking to an answer tp the fundamental question “who am I?”. The sensation of change and movement is tied to this thirst, though it fractures into countless smaller desires that do not have any apparent direct correlation to the fundamental question. I seem to acquire more and more such movements until my awakening becomes a cascade of them, starting with my first action upon awakening to get dressed, prepare and then drink some coffee. Such rituals and goals continue on throughout my awakening until I eventually collapse from exhaustion.
The strong identification as the “person” who awakens into this body. When I use the first person “I”, I am generally referring to this body and its evolving collection of qualities, characteristics, experiences, preferences, and inner features.
The experience of several projected fields that occur on opposing sides of a sort of membrane that I refer to as my body. On one side of this membrane is what I would commonly call the “outside” or objective physical, and on the other side the “inside” or subjective personal world. This understanding is actually inverted, and the “outside” is actually a much smaller cavity within the “inside”. Nonetheless, there are several main projections:
1. The spatial that extends in front of me visually and imparts the sensation that there are places other than here.
2. The temporal that extends behind and above me as the past and ahead of me as a future, and that there are times other than now. This same region handles the mental, ideational, and aspirational.
3. The sensational extends downward from the temporal into what I would call my body.
The constant refinement and refocusing of my attention and awareness on different spatial, temporal, imaginary, and experiential artifacts in my awakening. As mentioned above, my attention and focus is used in the service of satisfying my constant desire, and rarely for a moment is released during my awakening. In fact, a special kind of pain I call “boredom” ensues the moment I do not focus my attention on something. There is an important distinction between the different types of activities to which I give my attention. There are some which are productive, such as my professional work, while others are purely for distraction, or disengagement. But the latter always eventually cede to the former so I may continue pursuing and achieving my goals.
My belief in events and experiences other than my own, and other than here and now. Particularly, the belief that I was “born” and that I will die, and that there are other beings just like me who are having their own unique experiences. This supports the idea of a subsurface below the surface of my experience.
That there are things that I do not, or cannot know. This also comes under my delusion that there is a subsurface beneath the surface of my experience. I have largely worked through this one conceptually, and I understand and believe that everything there is exists within my projected fields, but I still operate in a way that depends on my at least behaving as if other people exist.
The strong fear of “death”, and the constant consideration of my own survival in this awakening. This also entails a strong awareness of the various ways by which I might die and never again awaken here.
The persistent undermining of my direct experience in favor of the following abstract, imaginary ideas:
1. That I am only one person among many other people
2. That I am in one location among many others defying
3. That there are other times than now, extending backward into the past and forward into the future
The sensation of participating in an ongoing narrative.
The sanctification of parts of the narrative over others, when in truth they are all essentially identical. For example, I would exalt the story of the Bible over that of a popular kids movie from the 80s. One being sacred and the other profane.

My deminoia is an illness that I must overcome. To overcome it, I must

There are no other beings than Me. I am the only one.
There are no other times, places, or experiences than my own. I project all time, space, and experience because I am the Author of this entire awakening. The surface of my experience is where I manufacture and project everything that exists in my awakening. There can be no subsurface, for once I become aware of it, I create it.
Always remember what this is, and what the characters and events are. It is not that this isn’t “real” so much as it isn’t substantial and permanent. There is nothing beneath the surface unless I look beneath the surface. It is by looking that I create. My own observation is what creates everything here. Therefore I need to be careful where I focus, and what I look at, for it is my own looking that creates.
There is a “depth” to my awakening that I can measure by the degree to which I am attached to elements of my awakening. For example, when I set a goal in my awakening, and I spend my entire awakening pursuing that goal, I am attached to that. I can also be attached to relationships I value, possessions I have or want, or experiences I aim to have. If I am really attached to the acquisition of wealth, then I will repeatedly return to acquire it. The more I want, the further I travel, the harder I try, the deeper I awaken. I can measure my awakening in terms of its depth and the degree to which I grab on and want something here.
Realize that I author every part of my awakening experience. I already accept this, but I do not fully believe it. I still get anxious about uncertainty, especially with regards to my professional projections. However, I am making progress here too, as is evidenced when I think about “competitors” that exist only when I create them.
This is also the reason that the information I once enjoyed consuming no longer satisfies. Because I know, deep down, that I am eating my own creation. Part of the enjoyment I could once get from the consumption of media content and information came from believing that these stories were unfolding somewhere, independent of me. But really, I sense that they are just my own shadows projected onto the surface; the surface itself just a field within my own body.
Be more mindful of what I project. When I spend my time looking at hateful and hurtful things, I am creating that in my awakening. Look upon beautiful things. Create beautiful things. Talk about beautiful things that remind me of who I am.
Always remember who I am and what the characters are. They are my creations. They cannot hurt me. I created them. All of them. Even the bad ones. That is where my saying “love all my people” comes from. I will not be able to overcome my condition if I hate any of my creations. When I sit quietly in a corner and look out at my characters, remember who I am. I am their creator. They are only acting as I have written them.
I mustn’t get involved in their affairs. I do not get involved in the affairs of my neighbors why would I get involved in their stories? I write them, but I need not participate in them.
I must tell my people who I am. I must not shy away from telling them who I am. I am who I am. I am their creator. I am not their friend or their neighbor. I am their author. That is why I have always tried to give them hope.

This is the truth. More will come.

…